
“Do you live near here?”
Philip told him where his studio was. Fount turned round.
“Let us go there. You shall show me your work.”
“Now?” cried Philip.
“Why not?”
「你住在這附近嗎?」
菲力普把自己的住址告訴了他,於是他調轉了頭。
「我們去你家,你給我看你的作品。」
「現在?」菲力普叫了出來。
「不然呢?」
《人性枷鎖》( Human Bondage) 是一部完整的成長小說,描述一個有點跛腳殘疾的英國年輕人菲力普・卡瑞(Philip Carey)自小失去父母,在叔父與叔母的撫養下長大,本來在快要完成中學教育時,計畫要進入牛津大學,接受正統神學教育,像叔父一樣成為一個神職人員,卻覺悟到神職的顢頇無能,轉而決定要去學風比較自由的德國海德堡唸書,在海德堡也確實受到一些人文教育的啟發,不過還是沒有找到一個人生的方向,回到英國以後,也就無可無不可地接受家裡面的意見,到倫敦去學著當一個會計,結果也發現會計工作很無聊,偶然發現自己有點繪畫天賦,想要去法國學畫,從一個本來好像很穩定的工作要換到一個好像不務正業的跑道上去(而且還要提早解約賠錢給會計公司),年輕人當然覺得很浪漫,老人家當然是血壓飆高反對到底,一場家庭革命以後,叔母懷著一顆寵小孩的心情讓菲力普帶著她的私房錢出發去巴黎,年輕人到了這個浪漫的城市,一邊學畫,一邊與沙龍裡面的朋友老師聊著藝術文化對人生的影響,心裡面充滿著對於自己藝術人生的期待,卻也懷抱著自己畫家之夢落空的恐懼。這恐懼在他的畫室女同學(暗戀著他的一個長得很醜的女生)上吊自殺時達到最高點。在這樁慘案之後,剛好他的叔母也過世了,他回家奔喪的同時,也決定不再回巴黎去學畫,而是留在英國上醫學院,準備當醫生。唸醫學院的時候,他愛上了一個飯店的女服務生,一個以現在標準來說應該是外表性感內在荒蕪並且極度公主病的女生,菲利普神魂顛倒的同時,亂花了很多錢,醫學院課業也荒廢了,在與這個女人分分合合的時候,年輕人還因為貪心在買股票上做了錯誤的決定,把父親死前留下的遺產差不多都花光了,搞到流落街頭,醫學院當然也沒得唸了。還好有個講義氣的朋友收留他,讓他在百貨公司裡面當個小職員勉強度日,這時,菲力普的叔父過世,留給他一筆還不錯的遺產,慶幸生活還過得下去的同時,他也看到了叔父在死前所做的掙扎,感覺到生活上悲喜無常,也就這樣定下心來把醫學院念完,在實習的時候,培養起一個沈穩的態度,盡力去醫治病人,也盡力去觀察每個人在面對生老病死的反應,就這樣,一次一次不同的生活經驗不再引起菲力普搖擺不定的心情,而是增加他對多變世事的深沈包容力。
菲力普的整個成長過程表現了人生中自主的渴望,也反映了枷鎖與束縛的形象,第一是信仰的束縛,在西方成長小說裡面,基督教或天主教信仰永遠都是文學創作者第一個檢討的對象,最有名的例子應該就是詹姆斯喬伊斯(James Joyce),在《人性枷鎖》裡面,菲力普放棄教會,不僅放棄了叔父叔母一家人守舊的生活方式,也表現出他亟欲從僵化的宗教世界觀裡破繭而出,只是還沒成熟的年輕人做這件事情,還是處處要得到大人的寬容(所以才能去德國與法國)。第二則是愛情的枷鎖,男人的一生大概都有一次看到某個女生一眼就註定欠她很多錢,欠她很多時間,更重要的就是不知為什麼就是欠她一顆心。第三個就是生活與物質的束縛,穩定的求生方式常常是為人父母對於子女的期待,這種期待當然是關心中帶著私心,希望不需要去太擔憂年輕人的未來,菲力普就在這種期望的影響下進入倫敦的會計生活,也感受到了這個社會那種急需把人變成螺絲釘才能運轉的巨大能量。這一層束縛也帶出了另外一面的人性枷鎖,也就是「不甘平凡」的心,這是一個很難描述的人生困境,因為這個欲求的標的物不像愛情、信仰、或是物質那樣清楚明確,就連狄更斯(Charles Dickens)的《遠大前程》(Great Expectations)我都覺得不是做得很好,可是這本小說真的做到了。
菲力普在法國學畫的時候,暗戀他的女同學叫做蒲利絲(Price),長得不好看,表現卻很高傲,畫圖技巧也很差。她在自殺前,傳給菲力普的字條上說著:「請你不要和別人來,我不希望別人來碰我。」(Please come yourself. I can’t bear the thoght that anybody else should touch me.)這是一個哀惋的遺願,在這個女孩子花光積蓄學畫,忍受不了貧困上吊自殺之後,也只能盼望最後喜歡的人來為自己冰冷的身體哀悼。她的願望當然沒有達成,基本上處理屍體的還是警察。不過菲力普幫她處理了後事,和她的哥哥接觸之後,才知道這女生一直被家人視為好高騖遠的麻煩人物。所有事情都處理好,菲力普與朋友去舞廳消遣一下,他看到舞池裡面穿梭跳舞的年輕人,有了一些想法。
Philip leaned over the rail, staring down, and he ceased to hear the music. They danced furiously. They danced round the room, slowly, talking very little, with all their attention given to the dance. The room was hot, and their faces shone with sweat. It seemed to Philip that they had thrown off the guard with people wear on their expression, the homage to convention, and he saw them now as they really were. In that moment of abandon they were strangely animal: some were foxy and some were wolflike; and others had the long, foolish face of sheep. Their skins were sallow from the unhealthy life they led and the poor food they ate. Their features were blunted by mean interests, and their little eyes were shifty and cunning. There was nothing of nobility in their bearing, and you felt that for all of them life was a long succession of petty concerns and sordid thoughts. The air was heavy with musty smell of humanity. But they danced furiously as though impelled by some strange power within them, and it seemed to Philip that they were driven forward by a rage for enjoyment. They were seeking desperately to escape from a world of horror. The desire for pleasure which Cronshaw said was the only motive of human action urged them blindly on, and the very vehemence of the desire seemed to rob it of all pleasure. They were hurried on by a great wind, hopelessly, they knew not why and they knew not whither. Fate seemed to tower above them, and they danced as though everlasting darkness were beneath their feet. Their silence was vaguely alarming. It was as if life terrified them and robbed them of power of speech so that the sheik which was in their hearts died at their throats. Their eyes were haggard and grim: and notwithstanding the beastly lust that disfigured them, and the meanness of their faces, and the cruelty, notwithstanding the stupidness which was worst of all, the anguish of those fixed eyes made all the crowd terrible and pathetic. Philip loathed them and yet his heard ached with the infinite pity which filled him.
He took his coat from the cloak-room and went out into the bitter coldness of the night.
菲力普斜倚欄竿,看大家狂跳亂跳,他並沒有注意音樂,他們的舞步時快時慢,總是繞著屋子跳,由於全力醉在舞步中,倒是很少人說話,房屋裡有些熱氣,很多人的臉上都淌著汗珠。飛利浦覺得這裡的人多半已卸下自己平常嚴肅的面具,赤裸裸露出自己的真面目,有的像狐狸,有的像豺狼,有的像山羊;由於長年過著不正常的生活,他們的皮膚變得很蒼白,有的眼睛細小而刁滑,整個身上看不出一點高貴的東西,反正對他們而言,生活不啻是一大堆的猥瑣與邋遢,此外無他。空氣是那麼沈重污濁,但他們仍然瘋狂地舞著,像被某種神秘的力量所驅使,那種力量是專為追求淫樂的,而這樣的尋求似乎純粹為了逃避世俗生活的壓迫,也許這就是克朗夏所說的,人類生活最主要的動機吧。只是這種慾望過分激烈,反而把真正的快樂氣氛給剝奪了。他們為一陣陣大風所吹襲,無助地飄向不可知的地方,連自己也莫名所以,命運騎在他們的頭上,而腳下又是一片無止無盡的黑暗,難怪他們非狂歌爛舞不可,他們的沈默叫人覺得可怕,儼如自己被生命嚇壞了,甚至連講話也不可能,一切都在衝出喉嚨前被卡住了。他們的眼神在猙獰裡透射出一種獸慾,表情是那麼鄙陋、那麼扭曲,好像內心裡藏匿著無限的恐怖與痛苦,菲力普看在眼裡,心裡既厭惡,又有說不出的同情。
他從衣帽間拿起外套,向寒冷的晚風裡走去。
這段對夜店的描述放在這裡,也許只是作者對於現代人在忙碌生活裡必須麻醉自己的感嘆,不過放在菲力普經歷朋友自殺的脈絡之下,也許可以產生一個對於在巴黎尋求夢想的解釋。舞廳裡跳舞的人「被生活嚇壞了」(life terrified them)才這樣狂歌爛舞,想當初他自己也是拒斥一般人的生活,才來到這個充滿憧憬的地方,這樣想起來,畫布,沙龍,藝術聚會,也只是他為了逃避生命的沈重而開展的一場醉舞,也許比較沒那麼瘋狂,沒那麼鄙陋與扭曲,卻總是根源於同樣的一種逃避的心情:在高級文化的掩飾之下,當畫家也許美其名可以說是自我追尋,實際上可能只是不停逃避生活的一場自我麻醉。
菲力普那股「向寒冷的晚風裡走去」(went out in to the bitter coldness of the night)的洞察力與決斷力,也就帶著他在巴黎開始另外一種追尋,也許可以說是對人生實相的一種追求。
看到舞廳裡狂舞的人群,讓菲力普想到一個人物叫做克朗夏(Cronshaw),這個人心思細密,對於人生與藝術總是有一套見解,認為人生的本質,就只是追求快樂而已。不過這個人在巴黎沈浮多年,醉心於巴黎的浪漫,卻也沒有什麼實際的成就。在整個故事要結束的時候,克朗夏年老體衰,窮困潦倒,還需要菲力普的接濟,要說成就,大概就是臨死前,有個還算欣賞他的書商幫他出了一本詩集。不過可想而知,這樣有思考有敏銳度的人,應該是菲力普當時所混的法國沙龍裡面的一個中心人物,說穿了就是幾杯酒下肚,講話就開始滔滔不絕引人心醉,年輕人對他崇拜不已。菲力普在蒲利斯事件之後,想去找他談一談,他仍然秀了一手今朝有酒今朝醉的詩才:
“You’re a tradesman,” he told Philip, “you want to invest life in console so that it shall bring you in a safe three per cent. I’m a spendthrift, I run through my capital. I shall spend my last penny with my last heartbeat.”
「你本質上是個生意人,」他告訴菲力普,「把錢拿去投資,以最安全的方式賺取百分之三的利息,我卻揮金如土,不把金錢當一回事,到死前我非把最後一塊錢花光不可。」
不過這次菲力普不是要來問他這些風花雪月,他與克朗夏展開了一段非常關鍵的對話:
“I wonder if you’d give me some advice,” said Philip suddenly.
“You won’t take it, will you?”
Philip shrugged his shoulders impatiently.
“I don’t believe I shall ever do much good as a painter. I don’t see any use in being second-rate. I’m thinking of chucking it.”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
Philip hesitated for an instant.
“I supposed I like the life.”
A change came over Crenshaw’s placid, round face. The corners of the mouth were suddenly depressed, the eyes sunk dully in their orbits; he seemed to become strangely bowed and old.
“This?” he cried, looking around the cafe in which they eat. His voice really trembled a little.
“If you can get out of it, do while there’s time.”
Philip stared at him with astonishment, but the sight of emotion always made him feel shy, and he dropped his eyes. He knew that he was looking upon the tragedy of failure.There was silence. Philip thought that Crenshaw was looking upon his own life; and perhaps he considered his youth with it bright hopes and the disappointments which wore out the radiancy; the wretched monotony of pleasure, and the black future. Philip’s eyes rested on the little pile of saucers, and he knew that Cronshaw’s were on them too.
「你能不能給我一些指教?」菲力普猛不妨地問。
「你會接受嗎?」
菲力普不耐煩地聳了聳肩膀。
「我認為自己在藝術上不可能有什麼大成就,而做個不入流的畫家又不甘心,所以很想放棄算了。」
「為什麼?」
菲力普躊躇了半倘
「我認為自己喜歡一般生活。」
克朗夏圓而平靜的臉龐突然起了變化,嘴角珉得緊緊的,眼珠子也忽然像是陷了進去,整個人一時變得很蒼老。
「這個嘛,」他環視著咖啡廳說,聲音有些抖顫,「如果你看得開的話,我勸你趁早!」
菲力普無限驚訝地望著克朗夏,但這種激動的場面使他很難受,他知道自己看到了一場失敗的悲劇,不禁難受地把眼皮垂了下來。兩個人都不知道要說些什麼才好,菲力普發現克朗夏正在反省自己的命運,也許自己年輕時代曾有過美麗的憧憬,但在多年風吹雨打之下,一切都黯淡了下來,現在只剩下絕望,以及絕望前種種無謂的享樂,飛利浦的視線落在那些碟子上,他知道克朗夏也一樣。
「我勸你趁早」(...do while there’s time)這句話總結了菲力普這段法國經歷,精簡而沉痛。後來,菲力普進一步確認了克朗夏的忠告,他去問一個畫室裡面對學生很兇的老師,這個老人家對學生的苛刻,也許表現了他對藝術的高標準,一方面好像也隱藏了他對學生的愛護。菲力普應該是可以感覺到這個用心,所以在下課以後去請這個老人看看自己的畫,給點意見,兩個人本來在一家餐館門口講話,川流不息的人群裡面,這老人突然就要去菲力普的住處拿他的畫來看。在看到他的住處時,老師先詢問一下這個年輕人的生活狀況,然後心有所感地說了這段話:
There is nothing so degrading as the constant anxiety about one’s means of livelihood. I have nothing but contempt for the people who despise money. They are hypocrites or fools. Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five. Without an adequate income half the possibilities of life are shut off. The only thing to be careful about is that you do not pay more than a shilling for the shilling you earn. You will hear people say that poverty is the best spur for the artist. They have never felt the iron of it in their flesh. They do not know how mean it makes you. IT exposes you to endless humiliation, it cuts your wings, it eats into your soul like a cancer. It is not wealth one asks for, but just enough to preserve one’s dignity, to work unhampered, to be generous, and independent. I pity with all my heart the artist, whether he writes or paints, who is entire dependent for subsistence upon his art.
「再也沒有比長年為生活所困的人更屈辱的了,我對那些輕視金錢的人最不屑,他們如果不是傻瓜便是偽君子,在我看來,錢是人的第六感官,沒有它的話,其他的五個感官就難以發揮作用,一個沒有正當收入的人,生活等於癱瘓了一半,花起錢來也礙手礙腳的,很多人愛說什麼窮是對藝術家的一種激勵,其實不知道那正是一種無盡的折騰與屈辱,它斬斷你的翅膀,像癌細胞一樣鑽進你的肉裡,腐蝕你的身體。人當然不必汲汲營營只求財富,但總得維持最起碼的生活,能獨立自主,能放手幹事,也能大方和磊落,我對於那些完全靠藝術活的人充滿了同情。」
在這個成長小說裡面的巴黎經歷,相對於文雅的畫圖與討論藝術的場面,這段話的實際態度點出了這些所謂未來藝術家最深處的心靈焦慮。人要維持一個起碼的生活,才有思考與討論自我的尊嚴,這是菲力普之後還一直在學習的課題。接下來老師看到菲力普的畫,中肯而直接的態度也讓年輕人無從逃避。
Philip quietly put away the various things which he had shown.
“I’m afraid that sounds as if you didn’t think I had much chance.”
Monsieur Foinet slightly shrugged his shoulders.
“You have a certain manual dexterity. With hard work and perseverance there is no reason why you should not become a careful, but not incompetent painter. You would find hundreds who painted worse than you, hundreds who painted as well. I see no talent in anything you have shown me. I see industry and intelligence. You will never be anything but mediocre.”
菲力普默默地把它放在老師面前的那些作品收了起來。
「照這樣看來,我是沒什麼指望的了。」
霍涅輕輕地聳了聳肩。
「你有相當程度的靈巧,只要多加努力,多花些心思,要成功當然沒有什麼問題。問題是很多人固然不如你,卻也有很多人和你不相上下,在你的作品裡,我看不到什麼特殊的天份,只看到你努力的精神,換句話說,你仍然很平庸,再努力也無法突破這層平庸。」
人的平庸是再努力也無法掙脫的枷鎖,這樣的道理,儘管是漂浮在生活周遭隨處可見,就在吃飯時餐廳服務生的來來去去之間,會計公司職員的庸庸碌碌之間,或者是畫圖時一筆下去無法隱藏的中規中矩之間,這些事情大概是燃燒著雄心壯志的年輕眼神所看不到的,卻是再多的酒精、跳舞、各種絢麗的嘴皮子話以及極力表現灑脫的態度所掩飾不了的鐵錚錚的事實。而當追尋夢想的躁動之心看到這樣的事實,那樣顯而易見的輕盈就變得令人無法承受。凝視自己的平庸也就這樣成為比面對自己的錯誤的愛慾與信仰更難處理的課題。