最後一堂英文家教

9月7日，星期五，已經11點多了，女兒仍坐在我的筆電前打著一篇英文文章，兩行眼淚靜靜地流下臉頰。

與她隔著柚木書桌對坐的我看在眼裡，心中一陣疼惜，惟一讓青春的女兒煩憂的事，似乎也只有學習。「妳自己衡量一下，如果課業太重，壓力過大，就不要上了。」我輕聲細語地對她說。

妻前兩天在散步時告訴我，Jan打電話給她，說交代給女兒的作業都不能完成，已經好幾次了，就算她很嚴肅地要求也沒用。「是不是我怎麼看起來都不兇，孩子不怕我？」妻轉述她頹喪地問句。

「我跟她說大概女兒暑假太忙了，抽不出時間做。她說她只管盡責任好好教，學生是不是太忙，不在她考慮的範圍，而且她也告訴過女兒，如果作業沒寫，就不要去上課。

今天接女兒放學，我跟她討論這件事，但女兒聽了只是掉眼淚，什麼也沒說。我覺得很奇怪，因為我的語氣很和緩，完全沒有責備的意思？」妻覺得女兒的反應有些異於平常。

Jan的英文家教，是週六早上08:20，如果不喜歡，女兒不會願意假日趕早去上，這幾次上課前，也看不出她有任何擔心的神情。若不是Jan的電話，我們不會知道她沒寫作業，這種事早就放她自理了。我們可以推估原因：學校給的暑假作業已經夠多，旅遊、家族聚會、鋼琴、當義工都佔時間，還有每週二、五晚3.5小時共12節的卡內基青少年課程，尤其家教前夕的星期五晚上那節，影響最直接，拖著疲累的身軀回到家已22:00左右，我們無法期望女兒會提前完成Jan的作業，至此要臨時抱佛腳也不可能。也許女兒心想，既是家教，就不妨輕鬆一些，功課不是非交不可，上課時認真聽總也有收穫。

我不知道當Jan一再要求甚至責怪時，女兒是否有提出解釋請求諒解？而讀書從來不需外人督促的她，在作業未完成去課堂面對老師時，心理是處於怎樣的狀態？而當媽媽被告知前述情形找她談時，她的感受又是如何？我覺得女兒未始不曾考慮放棄，只因從小五迄今已跟Jan學了6年多，情感上有些難以割捨，此外她也對我說過，Jan能教給她和學校不一樣的東西。

｢還不睡啊？｣近12點我離開書房前試探地問，女兒只是搖頭。

｢女兒睡了嗎？｣進了房間，已睡一覺醒來的妻問。

｢還沒咧！｣

我們對看了一眼，交換著｢這女兒！｣的訊息，什麼也沒再說。

9/8一早，料理週六還要到校的兒子出門後，我就去大坑爬山， 《兵敗八仙山》後必需要｢整軍經武｣了。

10點多回到家，一見女兒就問：｢妳昨天幾點睡？｣

｢兩點多！可是老師今天沒上課。｣

｢嗄！？這麼衰？｣我半開玩笑地說。

｢不會丫！反正我本來就決心把作業寫完。｣她淡淡地說。

｢唉！看我多健忘！｣當晚散步時，妻的第一句話。｢Jan幾天前就打電話來說今天有事要停課，但她也交待等前一天晚上再告訴女兒就好了。但這麼一來，我就完全忘了這回事。｣

｢哦！那她跑去不是撲了個空？｣我說。

｢還好有碰到Jan，她正要出門！｣妻答。｢女兒這次居然一點也沒嚷嚷她老娘搞的飛機！｣

｢可是女兒已經決定不上了！｣妻接著說。｢Jan下午打電話來，說女兒早上拿給她一封信，裡面交待了整件事。她大略描述了女兒寫的內容，提到無法繼續下去的理由，但她不喜歡unhappy ending，所以要完成作業，並好好地上最後一堂課。因此Jan非常懊惱我們倆個竟擺了個大烏龍，讓女兒沒能上成最後一堂英文家教；可是她也說，世事就是這樣，經常陰錯陽差難如人願。她為事情弄到好像有點兒不歡而散感到十分遺憾！

我馬上請她不要這麼想，就像她說的，世事有時難如人願，我們都很感謝她。｣

我想起女兒昨天晚上的兩行淚，原來和課業重、壓力大沒有直接關係，而是在做這個決定時因心中百感交集而流下的。

｢我問女兒，願不願意把那封信印出來給我看？這小子，不願意耶……｣妻說。

我沒答腔，但心想要看哪有什麼困難？她是在我的筆電寫的文章，一定就存在我從小為她設定的專用檔案夾裡……

Dear Teacher Jan,

Last year, I got into 118 in TCGS. Everyone works hard. Every time when teacher let us make a decision, many of my classmates chose the one which was more significant for them thought they had to spend much more time on it. I study in the circumstance that make people improve fast. But it really makes us busier.

English may be an everyday language for me in the future. The importance of it can’t be ignored though I don’t have much interest on it. When I perceived this fact, I realized that I should do more effort on it.

After that, I spent more time and studied harder. Every day, I listened to studio classroom studious, I thought. And every time I tried my best to wrote the composition assigned by teacher in school. I’m sorry that I didn’t pay much attention on the work in this class versus in school.

On every Friday night, I am always in a hesitation. I know that I should do the homework. But if I decide to do it, I will make myself to do my best so that it will take much time, I think. This kind of battle often occurs in my mind. Sometimes I can’t control my laziness, and then I go to bed.

Two weeks ago, I didn’t do my homework, and you got angry. You told me the truth that I didn’t progress in this year. Then, I was shocked and thought that I was injured. I was angry and disappointed at that time. So the next week, I just didn’t want to think of it. And I was considering quitting the class. I didn’t try my best to do the homework as the result. That make you even angrier, and I wasn’t happy for few days.

But few days later, it dawned on me that what you said was right. Then, there were three choices in my mind. One is that I just called you and stopped the class. Another is to keep it. I think I won’t be able to handle the assignment in the busy future, but I don’t like an unhappy ending, either. So I chose the last one― going to the last class and finish what I should do. After all, I have to solve the problem I made.

There’s a Chinese proverb “Maybe we could free from the natural disasters, but we could never free from the faults which made by ourselves.’’ So I will improve my attitude in learning English. Study more, PRACTICE more. I believe that I will have a progress. And thank you for teaching me for such a long time. I really learned a lot.

Appreciatively and Sincerely,

Sylvia 2007/9/8 02:00

補記：當JAN於11/17深夜偶然看到這篇文章後，寫了一篇理性、感性兼具的回應：

Dear Sylvia, if not being an accidental tourist to your father's blog this late night, I would not have found that he made public what happened to us, what ended our long-year, and, yes, exquisite English classes. You chose to end it and I thought, " Well, OK. She made her decision." And I chose not to respond, as if I respected your decision. But reading this, here and now, I am kind of being forced to think back.

Regarding your letter, I admired your act to write to me what's on your mind. For your age, it showed unusual courage and resposbility not to evade. However, since you have freed me of the obligation as your teacher, I wish to skip the compliment cliche and ask you directly what's bugging me. Dear Sylvia, what was making you cry so much during the time? And, do you know that adults get injured, too? A teacher gets injured by a student not paying attention. Isn't that obvious?

Unlike a young heart such as yours, elaborete communication is less and less my desire. But I will try to sum up my loss for you in a few lines. What I love in learning a language is never in its practical purpose. I love the art of it. And not having had you shared my passion is my deepest regret.

But, we have such a good history together. Though we seemed to have end in a crash, perhaps as I have always warned Sonia about, a crash between a teenage girl and a woman into her menopause, I won't apologize for demanding you to do your assignment. Doing your assignment properly is the only way to progress as I forsee. But I wish to be excused for my temper. Next time we meet, give me your embrace. And I will give mine back to you.

而我感動之餘，回覆如下：

看了JAN的回應，非常感動，尤其是時間顯示著03:39。

當天早上，我就請女兒讀了，她讀完默不作聲，但看得出心中的震動，我希望她也有所回應，相信會的，但段考在即，目前可能沒時間，讓她沈澱一下也好！

記得女兒說過JAN能教給她和學校不一樣的東西，而且也並不僅只於英文方面，讀了JAN的文章，我能體會她所指的不一樣是什麼。｢What I love in learning a language is never in its practical purpose. I love the art of it. And not having had you shared my passion is my deepest regret. ｣我會請女兒好好地思索這幾句話，就算她天性不喜歡語文，但這個a language可以用其它任何學問替代。期待這幾句話能在她腦海發酵，滋潤她的心靈，從而讓JAN不再感到deepest regret。

一向認為JAN理性而嚴肅，但這篇文字卻顯示了感性與溫柔的一面。相信在下次見面時，女兒一定會給JAN一個衷心的感激的擁抱，眼淚，恐怕免不了，這孩子是很容易掉眼淚的，因為她的心是很柔軟的，怎能不柔軟呢？有這麼多人愛著她，關心著她？

深深地向JAN致謝！