Alyson’s 4/08 Tarot：宇宙 Universe (10-57)
問題：我4/07的未來日記主題
抽牌：宇宙 Universe
再次驗證了塔羅的神奇。
在10天前計畫將塔羅抽牌與撰寫未來日記兩者結合在一起。
那天晚上呼喊宇宙，請宇宙指引未來四週的每週主題。
接著抽出每個主題各七天的副題。
昨天寫著第二週的主題是「死亡Death」時，我還未發覺。
直到剛剛，看了之前塔羅抽牌紀錄，看到今天的副題是「宇宙Universe」，我的心情再度激動，又想流淚哭泣了。
https://www.popdaily.com.tw/forum/diary/1492088
今天我們一群朋友去探望一位已遠去的朋友。
在今年的三月中旬我們才知道他已離去許久。
陸陸續續我們討論著要去看他，大家橋著可以一同前往的日期，今日。
我還是像過往一樣，工作的事情與私人的事情，思緒是分開，沒有連結在一起。
其實這是個很難說明清楚的狀態。
明明，兩個面向是共用同一顆腦袋，同一個人的思緒，和在同一個行事曆角逐著各自可以佔有的比例。
對我來說，兩者之間能有機會串連在一起也就只有敲時間，橋行事曆上的空白處而已。
所以，在這稍早之前，我從未注意到今日塔羅的牌卡，與今日的私人行程連在起來。
今天早上，我並沒有時間去想，去寫今日的「未來日記」。
除了急著出門以外，最主要的是我沒有那份心情。
我不敢想像朋友長眠所在的樹葬地方情景，也不知道自己會是怎樣的心情。
我只記得包包裡要多放衛生紙，帶點餅乾、巧克力一起去。
原本計畫搭乘大眾交通工具去，卻在出發前兩天敵不過非常懶惰的自己。
這兩年多來，我把自己寵得是越來越嬌氣。
不想太辛勞的事情，就不勉強自己。
另一位朋友在臉書上寫著想念。
過往的對話，大部分我都想不起來。
我只記得我今天的哥斯大黎加，大嘴鳥莊園手沖咖啡，因另一朋友去詢問老闆關於咖啡的問題，打亂了老闆的節奏，結果我成了苦主，喝到一杯又苦又澀的咖啡。
就像是想到朋友已離開這件事情的心情。
我在自己挖掘的情緒坑洞裡掙扎。
我在樹梢被風吹過的搖晃裡擺盪。
宇宙說，這都是過程。
存在，是還在路上。
曾存在，是已完成。
死亡與再生，在宇宙奧妙平衡裡，分秒持續運動著。
他一人的離去，你幾人的難過，是滄海一粟，是江海一滴。
我的心情低落，是蒼白。
在浩瀚中，根本看不出來。
宇宙說，
有感受，有覺知，是存在與擁有，非失落。
應該要明白，要懂得，因擁有才會感到痛。
花開花落。
潮起潮落。
有機會能說聲”再會”，是很好的告別。
走過人間，終會一別。
不枉相遇相識這一場。
Alyson’s 4/08 Tarot: Universe (10-57)
Question: The theme of my future diary for 4/07
Card drawn: Universe
Once again, the magic of tarot is validated.
Ten days ago, I decided to combine tarot card drawing with writing my future diary.
That evening, I called out to the universe, asking it to guide the themes for each week of the next four weeks.
I then drew sub-themes for each week, spanning seven days each.
Yesterday, as I wrote that the theme for the second week was "Death," I didn't realize its significance.
It wasn't until just now, as I reviewed my previous tarot card draws and saw that today's sub-theme is "Universe," that my emotions were once again stirred, and tears threatened to fall.
Today, a group of friends and I went to visit a friend who has already departed.
It wasn't until mid-March of this year that we learned of his passing.
We had been discussing visiting him intermittently, bridging the dates when we could all go together, which happened to be today.
As usual, I compartmentalized my thoughts between work and personal matters.
It's a difficult state to articulate. Although both aspects share the same mind and calendar, they seem disconnected, with the only opportunity for connection being the occasional overlap in my schedule.
Thus, until just earlier, I hadn't noticed the connection between today's tarot card and my personal agenda.
This morning, I didn't have the time or the mindset to think about or write today's "future diary."
Aside from rushing out the door, I simply wasn't in the right headspace.
I dare not imagine the scene at the tree burial site where our friend rests, nor do I know what emotions to expect from myself.
All I remember is to pack extra tissues in my bag and bring some biscuits and chocolate along.
Originally, I planned to take public transportation, but two days before departure, my overwhelming laziness got the better of me.
Over these past couple of years, I've grown increasingly pampered.
If it's something I don't feel like exerting effort for, I simply won't force myself.
Another friend wrote on Facebook expressing their longing.
Most of our past conversations escape my memory.
All I can recall is my time in Costa Rica, at the Toucan Rescue Ranch, hand-brewing coffee, while another friend asked the owner coffee-related questions, disrupting the owner's rhythm and resulting in me being served a bitter cup of coffee.
It's akin to the feeling of realizing that a friend has departed.
I'm struggling within the emotional pits I've dug for myself.
I sway amidst the swaying of the treetops in the breeze.
The universe says, this is all part of the process.
Existence is still on its journey.
What once existed is now complete.
Death and rebirth, within the mysterious balance of the universe, continue to move forward.
The departure of one person, the sorrow of a few, is but a drop in the ocean.
My melancholy is insignificant amidst the vastness.
The universe says, to feel, to be aware, is to exist and possess, not to lose.
One should understand, should comprehend, that pain comes from having had something.
Flowers bloom and wither.
Tides rise and fall.
The chance to say "farewell" is a gracious parting.
Having traversed this earthly realm, farewells are inevitable.
Our meeting and acquaintance were not in vain.
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