The ultimate wanting?

Still I need to resist on chasing something that I don't want, that I think it as my dream

Why confronting the truth or facing my state of mind, what I really want and what I'm doing right now are filled with difficulty?

I assume I just don't dare to think, to truly lean in, step in the field where my mentality, my innate, inward desire lies

"Why do I want to achieve this?

What is the imaginative ultimate, ending scenario or state that I predict to happen or want?

Or have I even imagined these? Do I have goals?

Then why am I doing these with a strong willness and eagerness?

I really don't get my mind

Or maybe I, deeply inside of my heart, don't want to understand it at all