Alyson’s 4/03 Tarot：豐收 Harvest (5-57)
問題：我4/02的未來日記主題
抽牌：豐收 Harvest
https://www.popdaily.com.tw/forum/diary/1491355
發現從休息開始至今二年多的時光裡，一直在調整，想找到或建立適合現在的自己。
以前，不怕，因有爸爸。
現在，怕，也得自己處理。
以前，低潮，不怕，有爸爸在。
現在，失落，怕，該怎麼辦？
去年，我把自己封閉在家。
今年，我把自己推了出門。
去哪？
去市場。
去操場。
去有人的地方。
這是我自己非常清楚知道的改變。
我的『未來日記』第一階段要先「改變」。
改變與豐收，一個是因，一個是果，然後又互成為對方的因和果。
古代的九個太陽，是種詛咒
現代的九個木星，是種祝福
這張「豐收」的塔羅牌，是讓人想到心情飛揚，若是穿著裙子，就會想轉圈圈的裙擺擺揚，然後，定住，撒花慶祝。
冰箱裡沒有新鮮青菜。
打算今天出門跑一趟。
這市場是去年才開始去的，不熟悉。去過幾次後，也開始慢慢找到自己喜歡的攤子。
固定買青菜的有四攤。
每次都會買一卷潤餅當午餐。
之前軟排骨用得很好吃的那攤已不再。
一開始以為較便宜的水果攤，其實是賣很貴的。
每一次的前往，都是一次次的學習與累積。
每一次的採買，都是豐收，都是改變。
在市場裡，能更感受到季節的交替，天氣的變化。
想吃的，想買的，也有可能會失望，找不到，然後學習調整。
有時，老天會教你如何”改變”。
當辛勞努力之後，宇宙允諾的豐盈
最艱苦的工作已完成，只待收割
對於沒有具體勞動的我，哪來的豐收？
我自己現在是這樣看得，我的豐收，不一定是物品，不一定是具體，不一定是有形。
我的豐收，在於接觸的人，沾染到他們的歡樂，是喜豐收。
我的豐收，在於流淌的事，沾染到這些的人氣，是喜豐收。
我的豐收，在於穿過的想，沾染到腦袋的思考，是喜豐收。
腳程是很緩慢，但越來越有感。
思考是很雜亂，但越理越明白。
欣賞、讚賞自己辛苦後的成果
為這纍纍結果評個高分
當我不一樣，我就是得更加勇敢。
當我不一樣，我就是得更努力闖盪。
當我不一樣，我就是得失敗後馬上思量。
當我不一樣，我就是得事事掛心上，樣樣學精光。
該看的書一大落，沒能有太多時間在感傷。
我已是枚歐巴桑，落淚也不可能有人為我心傷。
好想學習那位女孩好情商。
好想擁有那位學者好智商。
認知到自己不足的困窘，隨著年紀，隨著閱讀，隨著理解別人的一些模樣，更顯得蒼白無力。
心中有點懊惱，怎以往沒能多學習一些。
還好，現在知道了，也有時間，一點一點再累積。
一位媽媽在她兒子開口撒嬌說，晚餐想吃什麼時，馬上豪氣答應。這位媽媽說她有這樣的經濟能力，且兒子撒嬌想要跟她吃飯，有什麼比這更重要，更幸福的事情。
一位大姐在我們一起買水果的攤子前面跟我分享在那個市場哩，她的採買經驗，哪攤的好吃，哪攤的品質好。這是美好的交流。
今天，內心有許多感想，一項項皆像是收成的果實。
在市場看到的，遇到的笑臉，也是收穫。
這些，不是豐收，是什麼。
Alyson's 4/03 Tarot: Harvest (5-57)
Question: Theme of my diary entry on 4/02
Card drawn: Harvest
I've found that during the two-plus years since I began resting, I've been adjusting, trying to find or build a version of myself that fits the present.
In the past, I wasn't afraid because I had my father.
Now, I'm afraid, and I have to deal with it myself.
In the past, when I hit a low, I wasn't afraid because my father was there.
Now, I feel lost, afraid. What should I do?
Last year, I kept myself closed at home.
This year, I pushed myself out the door.
To where?
To the market.
To the playground.
To places where there are people.
This is a change I'm very clear about.
The first stage of my "Future Diary" is to "change."
Change and harvest, one is the cause, the other is the result, and then they become each other's cause and effect.
The nine suns of ancient times were a curse.
The nine Jupiters of modern times are a blessing.
This "Harvest" tarot card makes one think of exuberant feelings, like twirling in a skirt, and then stopping, throwing flowers to celebrate.
There are no fresh vegetables in the fridge.
I plan to go out for a run today. I started going to this market just last year, so I'm not familiar with it.
After going a few times, I've slowly started to find the stalls I like.
There are four stalls where I usually buy vegetables.
I always buy a roll of pancakes for lunch.
The stall where I used to buy delicious soft ribs is no longer there.
I initially thought the fruit stall was cheaper, but it's actually quite expensive.
Every trip is a learning experience and accumulation.
Every purchase is a harvest, a change. In the market, I can feel the changing seasons, the weather.
Things I want to eat, want to buy, may be disappointing, unable to find, and then I learn to adjust.
Sometimes, heaven teaches you how to "change."
After hard work, the universe promises abundance.
The most difficult work has been completed, only waiting to harvest.
For me, who hasn't done any physical labor, where does the harvest come from?
This is how I see it now: my harvest may not be tangible items.
My harvest lies in the people I meet, the joy I share with them, is a harvest of joy.
My harvest lies in the things I encounter, the enthusiasm I pass on to others, is a harvest of happiness.
My harvest lies in the thoughts I have, the insights I gain, is a harvest of wisdom.
The journey is slow, but I feel more and more.
The thinking is chaotic, but the clearer it becomes.
Appreciating and acknowledging the results of my hard work,
Giving high marks to these abundant results.
When I'm different, I have to be braver.
When I'm different, I have to work harder.
When I'm different, I have to reflect immediately after failure.
When I'm different, I have to care about everything, learn everything thoroughly.
A lot of books to read, not enough time to be sentimental.
I'm already a middle-aged woman, there's no one to hurt for me when I cry.
I really want to learn from that girl's emotional intelligence.
I really want to have the intellect of that scholar.
Realizing my own shortcomings, as I grow older, as I read, as I understand others' experiences, it becomes more apparent.
There's a bit of regret in my heart, why didn't I learn more in the past.
Fortunately, I know now, and there is time, slowly accumulating bit by bit.
A mother, when her son sweetly asks what he wants for dinner, immediately agrees.
She says she has the emotional ability to do this, and her son's desire to have dinner with her is more important and happier than anything else.
An older sister shares her shopping experience with me in front of the fruit stall we're buying from together, telling me which stalls have delicious food and good quality. It's a beautiful exchange.
Today, there are many thoughts in my heart, each one seems like the fruit of the harvest.
The smiling faces I see in the market are also a harvest.
If these aren't harvests, then what are they?
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