I was much too far out all my life.And not waving but drowning.
英格蘭詩人史蒂維·史密斯 Stevie Smith 這句詩,和卓別林說人生近看是悲劇,遠看是喜劇有異曲同工之妙。看到的當下心頭震撼,想著那個人該是如此絕望。
想到了嫌われ松子の一生《令人討厭的松子的一生》這部2006年中島哲也的電影。當時看的時候19歲,中間實在受不了將電影暫停大口吸氣,如果也能把松子的人生暫停就好了。我像沉入絕望卻又有一絲陽光照應在我的臉上的海底,在缺氧中把電影分三段看完。
這幾年自以為找到內心的平靜,不論好的壞的都成為我的養分,我品嘗著滋味、面不改色。最近的生活彷彿處於風暴中心,人在異地,獨自面對巨大的孤獨感,此刻活著的感受特別鮮明 : 活著是這麼痛,在生活的汪洋裡掙扎著想多吸一點氧氣,總想帶著更多什麼到水裡,能擁抱什麼來獲得平靜。
痛並快樂著。真切的感受到活著。憤怒但感恩的心。
最後附上Stevie Smith的整首詩
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.