艾略特佩吉回憶錄 Pageboy: A memoir

The cover of the book "Pageboy: A memoir".

在忙碌的一個月中，還是把這本回憶錄看完了。

Elliot Page，一個很知名的演員，2014 年出櫃為女同志，2018 年結婚，2020 年末出櫃為跨性別男性。一個挺峰迴路轉的認同過程。

這本書一開始寫了非常重要的一句話：There are an infinite number of ways to be queer and trans, and my story speaks to only one. 他的故事只反映了其一，而我的故事也只是屬於我的經歷。或許會有相似之處，但沒有的話也沒什麼。他也提到寫下這本書的初衷並不是某種「鼓舞」，所謂鼓舞，像是現在依然有些人覺得學校教導小朋友性向，就會鼓勵小朋友變成同性戀的那種誤會。我不確定台灣的朋友對英國和美國對跨性別的仇恨程度感知如何。但這本書的初衷之一，是保護所有人在這樣的社會風氣下，繼續和自己對話、了解自己的勇氣。

這本書的敘事方式其實我有點不習慣，有點像是對著朋友隨意地提起過往的一些片段，時間序是跳著的，文字使用也是偏隨興，不過確實是非常忠實地記錄了一些非常私人的經歷。作為一個知名演員，他文字的忠實程度其實偶爾讓我有點吃驚，畢竟很容易也會暴露他提及對象的真實身分，而且非常有可能也是一個公眾人物，不過他似乎並不避諱某些。

他的出櫃歷程可能算是有點長，他的知名程度以及職業，特別是在十分複雜的Hollywood，在這方面可能多少成為他自我探索的阻礙。書中也描述了種種在那個環境下許多人的性騷擾、言語騷擾、甚至面臨更暴力的處境。以Hollywood這幾年的me too浪潮看來我不是很意外，但依然覺得，他辛苦了。

另一個印象比較深刻的是，他自我認知到自己的性別認同的年紀跟我一樣是4歲左右，這跟很多聽到的例子也不謀而合。雖然中間因為學習到了各種不同的性傾向、性別認同而思考、游移過，但最後依然發現，當初那個剛認識到何謂性別時產生的直覺，是我們最後的答案。

I still managed to finish reading this memoir during this busy month.

Elliot Page, a well-known actor, came out as a lesbian in 2014, got married in 2018, and then came out as a transgender man at the end of 2020. It's quite a transformative journey of self-discovery.

This book begins with a very important sentence: "There are an infinite number of ways to be queer and trans, and my story speaks to only one." His story represents just one perspective, and my story is also just my own experience. There might be similarities, but still all fine if not. He also mentions that the intention behind writing this book wasn't necessarily to inspire others, as some people still misunderstand that teaching children about sexual orientations in schools might encourage them to become gay. I'm not sure how much awareness there is among people of the extent of anti-trans in the UK and the US. However, one of the intentions of this book is to encourage everyone to continue having an inner dialogue and the courage to understand oneself in such a situation.

The narrative style of this book is something I'm not quite accustomed to; it's a bit like casually sharing fragments of the past with a friend, with a non-linear timeline and an informal use of language. Yet, it truly and honestly documents some very personal experiences. Being a prominent actor, his candidness in his writing occasionally surprises me, given that it's easy to accidentally reveal the true identities of the people he talks about, who might also be public figures.

His coming-out journey is a bit prolonged, and his fame and profession, especially in the complex realm of Hollywood, possibly posed obstacles to his self-exploration. The book also describes numerous instances of sexual harassment, verbal abuse, and even more violent situations that many faced in that environment. Given the #MeToo movement in Hollywood in recent years, I'm not very surprised, but I still feel he has been through a lot.

Another striking impression is that he realized his gender identity at a young age, around 4 years old, just like me, which aligns with many examples I've heard. Although he went through phases of exploring different sexual orientations and gender identities, he eventually realized that his initial intuition about gender was the final answer.