I have fallen sick out of the sudden. Quite ill, quite abrupt. During the past 3 days, counting 4 now as I still have residual symptoms, I am forced to take time off work, correction: take time off life and let my body fights the intruder off. The progress is unpleasant but with fortunate unconscious episodes of recovery (aka sleep) and what seemed impossible at day 1 of my illness was painfully achievable by day 3.
To my surprise, emotionally I did not experience much of the anxiety of 'missing out', fear of not doing enough for work etc, but rather the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, of what my body allowed me to achieve in the sport that I love over the last couple of months. It also has me reconsidering the possibility of me falling back to my old utilitarian habit of viewing myself as a means to an end given a deterministic algorithm. If I sell my time, I get paid a fixed number (albeit not an unfair number); if I don't sell my time, I get, for wanting of a better word - freedom.
I was praised recently by a rather close friend that my actions are highly aligned with my intentions, an outcome by design which I'm immensely proud of. This time void of sickness directs my attention that my non-actions (the defaults, the let be, the necessary drift with the stream to battery save) might also agree with my intentions. Although even with this pin dropping I wish not to devise a detailed list of steps on feasibility, as I've often been taught by reality on the futility of such efforts for a human brain weighted against the functional benefits, but the execution convenience of 'to thine own self', with the added coloured lens of the perception of simpler a notion is, closer it is to the 'truth', for wanting of a better word.
I write this without an audience in mind as a monologue, if you stumble upon this and find the above disagreeable or utterly undecipherable therefore view it as gibberish. Don't doubt it, you are right, move on and be you.
