四月 / April

四月，春，天氣晴。

我常常會想，在新加坡，季節沒有更迭，日復一日，太陽總是千篇一律地在七點從東方升起，又在七點從西方落下，這樣的日子裡，月曆有沒有意義。

今天中午的溫度是32度，想當而然地，明天也會是32度。偶爾偶爾，下雨了，天氣稍微涼了那麼一些些，也許會想起衣櫥裡有件喜歡但好久沒穿的外套，可是又捨不得它淋濕，便還是穿了短袖出門。

不過儘管月曆在這裡微不足道，日曆不會因此而怠惰。一天又一天，一頁又一頁，它依舊是準時地凋落，宛如只存在記憶中的秋天的落葉。就算季節停滯在夏天，時間本身並沒有停滯，它還是擅自地提醒著我，冬天過去了，現在是四月了。

就好像季節面無改色地流逝，表面上依舊是盛夏，但已經是開始數不清的第幾個夏天，在這段期間內，我有做了些什麼嗎？

這個疑問伴隨著對季節的思念縈繞著我，我無從答起，就像三月確實是過了，但那陣理應令人短暫放鬆的宜人天氣卻從沒來過一樣。

隨著年紀稍微長大，我越來越迷惘，我覺得自己應該要能夠獨立做些什麼，但我沒有能力真的去做到值得自豪的事情。

學歷這種的東西，表面上是個人的內涵，但其實也和物質面的成就相去不遠，我認為是扶持我長大的父母的功勞。於是我想，到底什麼是真正屬於我的？

我想留下只屬於自己的東西，我唯一能獲得的結論，就是我所思考過的想法、我所寫下過的文字，那才是真正屬於我自己，無可取代的證明。

無可否認，無論多或寡，我的想法肯定微不足道，它對其他人沒有任何意義。但我還是想把它紀錄下來，就算只有這一篇文，它還是我23歲這一年，曾經有過的想法，也許網路上某一角的某一個人，也有這個想法也說不定。說到頭來，通常人視作有意義的東西，舉凡結婚升官買房，分享在社群媒體上，大概對其他人也是沒有意義的吧。既然這樣，把我自以為是的日記放在網路上好像也無傷大雅。

我不知道部落格會不會持之以恆，可能只是好幾個月才抒發一次的心情隨筆，也可能是瑣碎的日記，但無論是什麼形式，希望能抱持著初衷持續寫下去。

筆於 2024年4月17日 新加坡

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It is lingering thought of mine, the absent of seasons.

In my days in Singapore, hardly a day goes by without me thinking about the absent of seasons. Each day, sun restlessly rises at 7, and without fail, it sets at 7 each evening. It is as if time is not advancing, stuck in a loop. Monthly calendars almost feel redundant here.

It was 32 degrees at noon today, and be rest assured that it is still going to be 32 degrees tomorrow. On a rare occasion, when the temperature fianlly cools down a little thanks to rain, I would be reminded of that one jacket hung in the dusted corner of the closet. It is a jacket I quite like, but never had the chance to wear here. On a second thought, I figure it would be a waste for it to be soaked in a weather that is not even cold, as I leave house in the same old t-shirt again.

Though as meaningless as a monthly calendar can be here, it does not deprive the discipline of a daily calendar. Even when the season has been paused in summer, day by day, it is a constant reminder that time itself is still going . It reminds me that the unnoticed winter had passed and that it is April once again.

As the seasons silently walk by, while it always appears as a summer day, another year is gone without me noticing. What have I been doing in the meantime?

It is an question that has been haunting me. I struggle to find an answer to it, just as I struggle to find the supposedly brief yet comfortable weather I was promised in March.

As I age, I feel lost. I feel like I am at an age when I should be able to accomplish something on my own, yet I lack the capability to do anything that I can feel proud of.

Things like degrees is a personal accomplishment on the surface. However, in my case, I think I would not have achieved it if not for the financial support or environment provided by my parents. That leaves me wondering: what exactly belongs to me?

The idea of exclusivity lead me to the conclusion that it cannot be any of the material matters, but can only be the thoughts I had and the words I wrote. Those, in my opinion, are irreplaceable proof that I did live through those time.

Undeniably, neither is there a reason to deny, that my thoughts matter little for anyone else. This may as well be my diary; it is just a random thought I have in a dull afternoon in 24th year of my life. I post it because, perhaps, there is someone out there in the world, who happens to share the same idea, and that would make this diary of mine slightly less dull. If you think about it, the joyful story posted on social media all the time, whether about marriage or career, while it surely means a lot to the writwer, actually does not matter much to those who reading it either. Thus I thought it may be a good idea to write something here, rather than keeping all my thoughts to myself.

I do not know if I can write on a regular basis. I may only in the mood to write once in a few months, and the topics may be random with my thoughts scattered across them. But no matter in what form, I do hope I can write with what I wrote down today in mind, to remember the fact that my words carry my thoughts, and that it will carry on as how I lived.

Written in Singapore, 14 April 2024