編輯嚴選【讀】Open Water | 放下不安，讓對方在開闊海水裡擁抱你
編輯嚴選
"You ache. You ache all over. You are aching to be you, but you're scared of what it means to do so."
兩個黑人藝術家在朋友介紹下結識，「你」是位攝影師，「她」是位舞者，就此開始兩個靈魂的交流，從友情試著跨越到愛情，在這個無法真正看見你的世界，這個僅看到你的黑色身軀的世界，你們注視彼此的內心。
用第二人稱所寫，Open Water講述一段季節更迭下的愛情，那種深埋心中逐漸發芽的感情，以及愛情中彼此的信任，忘掉自己沉重的不安，讓對方在開闊海水裡抱著你。同時講述身為年輕黑人的恐懼與脆弱，在不平等的世界裡被壓抑的存在、被無視的內在。
我想最讓我難忘的是書中主角「你」，一個年輕的黑人男生，對讀者毫無遮掩呈現的種種情緒。脆弱、不安、恐懼、與愛戀，所有的想法與感受都一絲不掛的包覆讀者。我在閱讀時就像身處於他的腦袋，親身體會他的不安，告訴我們身為黑人在現在社會是怎麼樣的感受。書中多次描述他嚎啕大哭的模樣，在廚房、在小巷、在床上，因為籠罩他的恐懼不曾消失過。
書中的兩個主題-愛情與種族-彼此襯托，在故事中交織呈現得很棒。尤其種族相關的部分，故事提及了關於警察對黑人的暴力、關於恐懼出門後無法安然歸來、關於擔心今天就是自己的最後一天，作者將這些恐懼與痛苦透過主角的情緒清楚地傳遞給讀者，讓我印象十分深刻。
儘管這本短短的小說不到150頁，在閱讀時卻不會感到單薄，不只是因為我會同一段文字反覆咀嚼，也是因為作者的一字一句都滿含了層次與意涵。這本小說讀起來卻像是詩篇，作者使用了許多意象去描寫角色的情緒，在讀者腦中描繪絢爛的畫面；另一個特點是大量反覆出現的字句，有的是在短時間內重複闡述，給予文字一種特別的韻律感，(讓我在讀時嘴巴常不自覺跟著低頌)；有的則是貫穿整本書的譬喻景意象或句子，讓書中前後呼應更有連貫性。這也是為什麼這本薄薄的書可以讓我記下五六十段摘句，每一句話都值得被反覆閱讀。
這本書文字的感覺讓我想到Ocean Vuong的On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous，都是十分優美的文字，但同時也對我造成一個小缺點。就是有時文字有些太過美麗，以致有時我無法完全理解文字背後作者的意涵，讓我覺得有點遺憾。
最後提一點書中我很喜歡的特色，就是故事內提及了其他許多黑人藝術家創作的作品，如電影、書籍、攝影、或音樂。這些都是書中主角生活中十分重要的元素，他在其他黑人的故事中映照了自己的模樣，肯定了自己的存在，提供了短暫安全的自由，作者將這些元素都很自然地融合進書中，為故事增添了一層獨特的風格。
總之，我覺得或許我的文字不足以形容這本如此美妙的小說，我只想說我真的很喜歡它。
作者訪談Q&A:
摘句
"How does one shake off desire? To give it a voice is to sow a seed, knowing that to admit and submit to something which is on the outer limits of your understanding."
"Under what conditions does unconditional love become no more? The answer is you will never not cry for your father. You don’t always like those you love unconditionally. Language fails us, always."
"You wanted to put a ball through a hoop, and repeat. You didn’t want to have to think about what it meant to wander the unending acres of the grounds, the series of coincidences and conditions which confirmed your place there, loud in the silence. You didn’t want to have to think about what was seen when you offered a grin in the arena. "
We are all hurting, you said. We are all trying to live, to breathe, and find ourselves stopped by that which is out of our control. We find ourselves unseen. We find ourselves unheard. We find ourselves mislabelled. We who are loud and angry, we who are bold and brash. We who are Black. We find ourselves not saying it how it is. We find ourselves scared. We find ourselves suppressed, you said. But do not worry about what has come before, or what will come, move.
"Under what conditions does the uncontainable stay contained? Things unsaid don’t often remain so. They take shape and form in ways one doesn’t expect, manifesting in touches, glances, gazes, sighs. All you have wanted to do was hold each other in the darkness. Now, you have opened the box and left it unguarded in the night. You have both placed faith in the other that you will wake up intact. You have acted on a feeling. You are in a memory of the present. You are tumbling through a fever dream, surfacing only to plunge once more."
"To be you is to apologize and often that apology comes in the form of suppression. That suppression is indiscriminate. That suppression knows not when it will spill.
What you’re trying to say is that it’s easier for you to hide in your own darkness, than emerge cloaked in your own vulnerability. Not better, but easier. However, the longer you hold it in, the more likely you are to suffocate.
At some point, you must breathe."
"It’s one thing to be looked at, and another to be seen; you’re scared that she might not just see your beauty, but your ugly too."
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