但是我不知道妳的新住址
人生是這樣子，每一個階段都會有一首歌，這一首歌的旋律一進來，曾經在這些音符後面的故事就隨著拍子如沙灘邊的浪花般，從你的記憶深處一波一波地湧上來。
我的歌好像就只剩下阿妹的我最親愛的。
那一下吉他的刷扣一進來，眼淚不爭氣就撲簌簌地流下來。
我想走了，MM。
我累了。
十年前我節錄下卡夫卡給愛蓮娜的信裡面的句子：
「親愛的米蓮娜小姐：
連著兩天一夜的雨剛剛停，也許只是暫時停歇，但仍是令人快慰的事，我將它們寫進給妳的文字裡。」
「親愛的米蓮娜小姐：
我從布拉格寫給您一紙短箋，然後另一張從梅蘭。我沒有得到回信。當然我的去信並沒有特別要求您迅速回覆，但如果您的沈默代表您有著的很好的生活狀態，以至於沒有心思去寫，那麼我便滿足了。」
找到了伊。
然後又失去了伊。
我老了，親愛的伊。
費曼在寫給過世的愛妻Arline信裡第一句就寫著：
「我想妳，親愛的。」
最後一句話的結尾是：
「我的愛妻，我真的很想妳。我愛我的妻子，而她已經死了。」
「ＰＳ. 請原諒我無法寄這封信出去，但是我不知道妳的新住址。」
D’Arline,
I adore you, sweetheart.
I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it toyou.
It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two yearsbut I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.
But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you.I want to love you. I always will love you.
I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you aredead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can dothat. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — orlearn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures.
When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told youthen there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.
I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have fullhappiness and don't want to be in my way. I'll bet you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But youcan't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don't want to remain alone — but in two or threemeetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.
My darling wife, I do adore you.
I love my wife. My wife is dead.
Rich.
PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don't know your new address.
老淚縱橫。
爸爸兩年前在家裏上吊走了。
我會找其他的地方，不麻煩人家的地方。
我真的老了，也可能等不下去了。
請原諒我。
