2019 Marriage Story
There is a Cantonese saying: “Better to teach someone to beat their child than to teach them to separate from their wife.”
When I was young, this saying sounded very “politically correct.” In those days, divorce was relatively rare. Unless the husband had behaved so badly that he showed absolutely no respect for his wife—something on the level of King Charles III back when he was still a prince—chinese society would usually advise the wife to forgive and “be understanding,” all for the sake of the children.
Of course, times have changed. In many places today, birth rates have dropped so low that villages, towns, even entire countries seem to be slowly disappearing.
“Teach someone to beat their child”? Allowing a child to grow up in a cold and in fact a broken family environment? Today, more people would probably condemn those parents for child abuse and demand that social workers step in to evaluate whether they are even fit to raise a child.
So now, I’m going to spoil the story about “teaching someone to separate from their wife/husband.”
The story’s central figure is a mother who wants a divorce. She loves her husband deeply. In their careers, they have been excellent partners. She also knows he is a good father who loves their son. But when she privately confesses to the lawyer who will represent her in the custody case, she speaks honestly about how suffocating the marriage has become.
Her husband has never truly considered her career, her wishes, or her life plans. All those promises they once made turned out to be empty checks. They were delayed, postponed, and brushed aside until they eventually dissolved into nothing.
In his mind, she had become nothing more than a tool for advancing his career. He denied her credit, dismissed the direction she wanted to pursue, made her doubt her own abilities, and slowly eroded her confidence in becoming independent.
Of course, he does not think he has done anything wrong.
Worse still, even her own family are friends with her husband. They are reluctant to support this “emotional” wife in taking things so far. Divorce. A custody battle. Burning through the money that was meant for their child’s future—the money they had spent more than a decade earning together—over what they see as a “trivial reason.”
Throughout the story, we also see how hard the husband tries to save everything. How desperately he wants to remain involved in his child’s life. But he underestimates the determination of the protagonist, and overestimates his own character and ability.
While he tries to spend money on lawyer and present himself as reasonable in order to “win everything back,” he slowly realizes how shallow his everyday assumptions have been. And as he and his wife fight—emotionally and rationally—the truth becomes clearer with every argument.
Neither of them is a saint.
Yet when old grievances are laid bare in court, years of shared history leave them feeling both sympathy and resentment toward each other. And as their lawyers argue fiercely on their behalf, their faces flushed with anger and shame in the shadow—It is simply tragic. It was so embarrassed and painful that even they themselves wish they could disappear on the spot. They do not actually hate each other to that degree. But for the sake of the child… they cannot let go. They have no choice but to argue. No choice but to fight.
Fortunately, years later, the mother remarries. Her career flourishes even more than her ex-husband’s, her family grows close to her new husband, and their child grows up healthy and happy. Much later, the ex-husband happens to come across a letter his former wife had written just before their divorce, yet never had the heart to speak out — the final confession of her love over him...
Bittersweet, isn’t it?
As a viewer, I couldn’t help but think: this divorce was the right choice. Cause I hate being forced into the role of the ‘bad guy.’ And I despise even more those ‘good guy’ who can only appear righteous by standing on someone else’s unspoken pain and effort.
In an environment claims to value “magnanimity,” yet sends so many conflicting signals and breeds too much suspicion, the psychological cost of maintaining mental health eventually becomes far greater than the joy of belonging to a group.
So why bother?
A marriage doesn’t suddenly collapse during the divorce paperwork. It had already rotted long before that. It’s just that no one wants to lay out all the seemingly “minor” reasons one by one and admit their faults like a forensic examination of a corpse. Yet sometimes, a long pain is worse than a short one. Not everything can be forgiven—especially when the other person doesn’t even realize what they did wrong.
What is left to say? What is left to fight over? Can such differences in values really be taught away or changed? Even if someone appears to have corrected themselves on the surface, others can still sense that something is deeply wrong beneath it.
Secondly, how can you be sure that sacrificing your own happiness will make your child happier? Children can feel things too. They may silently carry the burden of their parents’ conflict, even if no one speaks about it. In that situation, no matter how much money the parents provide, children who can sense the tension will still feel guilty and pressured by what has happened between them.
In the end, the real wisdom is knowing when to step away—before wasting more time on meaningless battles. This is neither pessimism nor cold-heartedness. The letters written but never sent, the lies told to keep everything from falling apart, the bitterness swallowed in silence, and the love that quietly retreats— all of it is simply a way of leaving troubled waters as soon as possible.
Things won’t get any better, because the hardest thing to change is one’s own heart. Recognizing hatred early is a way to preserve your strength—to protect yourself. The energy saved can be devoted to hoping for tomorrow. Forgiving others often serves as a means to free yourself, letting the other person fade in your mind, as if both the malicious figure and the person you once were were nothing more than foolish strangers walking past.
On the stage of the world, the only audience you truly have is your future self, looking back at who you once were. If, in the present, you never dare to fight for your own life, aren’t you simply choosing to live as someone else’s supporting character—while still hoping to bask in their glory? Perhaps those so-called ‘protagonists’ in your mind—even if unwilling—see you as the villain, torturing them in the name of 'love'. Therefore, at the very least, let's stop using innocent children as excuses for endless mutual torment and moral manipulation to sustain a false marriage.
If something bothers you, speak up. And if you cannot, walk away. But if nothing is ever said, does that really mean nothing is wrong? In the pursuit of ‘truth’ and ‘justice,’ let’s stop playing the good-cop/bad-cop game. Part ways gracefully, just as when you both first met. To cherish the brief time we have, for life is not a prime-time soap opera, continuing endlessly into the next episode.
