無常 Life is unpredictable

清月

發佈於莊生夢蝶

更新於 2024/11/24發佈於 2023/11/25閱讀時間約 10 分鐘

大家一定要注意交通安全！

安全第一

Must pay attention to traffic safety!

Safety first

Come to an end

Life is unpredictable; my cousin suddenly collided with a motorcycle and lost her life.

How did it end up like this?

William Daigneault on Unsplash

Good child

My cousin has always been the golden child. A regular top scorer in exams, she

studied at the best school in Kaohsiung, and then bagged a government scholarship. Classic success story.

During our childhood New Year gatherings, I'd often catch snippets of the elders' chatter like, "Your cousin aced it this time. What about you?"

General's Life

Seems like my family swears by the motto of "One general's success leads to the withering of ten thousand bones," thinking success comes by stepping over others.

If you're not a general, you're just a dead soldier. The belief is, you gotta win; otherwise, it's a loss. "You didn't rank first; you're a failure!"

When I was a child, sometimes I would wonder why adults didn't consider things from a different perspective. "Do not speak of rewarding achievements, O noble one"—generals should remember that all the glory and status they attain come at the cost of many soldiers sacrificing their lives, and they shouldn't only focus on pursuing achievements and rewards.

Poet is supposed to convey that getting titles like a general isn't an honorable thing, especially if it's built on a title stained with the withering of ten thousand bones. Kind of like Zhang Pin's verse: "Pitiable white bones pile up in lonely mounds, all for the general's search for military merit." Here, it shouldn't be read as "To climb up, you gotta step on the dead bones of others", 'cause that interpretation is just plain absurd and hilarious!

Win-Win

We should aim for mutual success rather than buying into the belief that if you don't win, you lose. Only the top spot matters, and everything beyond second place is trash. I always thought this kind of thinking was silly, but as a kid, I couldn't change the goals and thoughts of the grown-ups. I used to believe in this way too – that in this world, it's either win or lose. You have to step on others to climb up. The me who once believed in this, it was so painful, so agonizing.

Recall

I remember dropping by my cousin's place during her high school days. She was all about books, not really acknowledging my existence. It felt like we were on different wavelengths, and with her competitive streak, I thought, "Oh boy! My future girlfriend should definitely not be like my cousin."

Why would not she hang out with me? Come on, shoot some hoops with me. Was she also on board with the whole family belief system? Is it all about winning, becoming some kind of academic whiz, like the only way to make it in the world?

Next chapter

Time flew, and suddenly we're not high schoolers anymore. She's now an elementary school teacher, went through marriage, divorce, and has a daughter. Yet, that drive to win at everything still persists. Now, she's gearing up for her next life, and I'm gearing up to attend her funeral. Wishing her a peaceful and safe journey in the next chapter.

緣滅

怎麼就，

去了？

別人家的孩子

我表姊從小就是那種別人家的孩子。考試常常考前三名，高中念的是高雄最好的學校─雄女，之後考上公費，人生勝利組說的就是她。

小時候過年，有時候我會聽到家裡長輩說

「你表姊這次考第一名。你呢？」

「......」

「......第四名啦」

表姊是否過著「將軍」的人生？

我家裡好像是信奉──「一將功成萬骨枯」

認為成功的人，一定要踩著萬骨往上爬？？

如果不是將領，就會變成枯骨的士兵？

人一定要贏，否則就是輸！

「你沒有考第一名，你這個廢物！」

我小時候有時候會想。明明「一將功成萬骨枯」的上一句是「憑君莫話封侯事」──將領應該謹記，所獲得的一切榮耀與地位，都是以眾多士兵犧牲生命換來的，不應只顧著追求功績和封賞。

詩人應該是要表達封侯不是榮耀的事情，建立在萬骨枯的頭銜很罪惡。就像張蠙的「可憐白骨攢孤冢，盡為將軍覓戰功」。這裡不應該解讀為「人要往上爬，一定要踩著別人的死人骨頭」(請用台語唸)，這樣的解讀真的太荒謬、太可笑！

雙贏

應該追求雙贏，而不是沒有贏，就是輸。只能考第一名，第二名以後都是垃圾！我一直以來都覺得這種想法很愚蠢，但還是小孩的我，沒辦法改變大人的追求、大人的思想。而且一度相信這樣世界觀的我，過得很痛苦。我成績不是不好，大概在班上前2~5，偶爾會第一。但是即使班上第一了，就會被要求要校排一，一直往前、往前，只能往前的人生太痛苦了。