I know you're always there.
When I was displaying all the adorable traits to people, you were hiding in the corner where I could see from the corner of my eyes. Like a ghost.
In my journals and diaries, there’s always your sarcasm. 'You want to be the next Virginia Woolf?'. I was so afraid that I threw the pen away, and scattered all my books and papers. Those papers fell down like snows, with dots of red inks. Is that the so-called sakura fubuki ? 'Don't be clever.' I ran to the drunkenly attractive corners of the city. In the wine class, finally, you disappeared.
When I was faintly drunken in the spectacular cities, you stood in the crowds, eyes directed at me.
All I had were just penetrated like that. Even though your gaze wasn't even sharp, and you were just standing there, staring at me.
But I had nothing to be gazed at by anyone. Glass by glass, in those clubs and bars I followed those dangerous game rules, sending signals with the corner of my eyes, pouting the burgundy red lips of mine. Glass by glass, misty eyes, expelled you out of my sight.
Hustle and bustle, going and coming. I knew I couldn’t leave here, but anywhere was better than where you were around.
When I was lingering with the warmth of my lover, completely lost the sense of self, you were hiding under the bed, peeked at each of the moves made by him and me.
You knew what was under all my giggles, charming smiles, moans, and the ripples on the lake of my eyes. It is a delicately crafted life. You said. But your sounds were just too weak. I pretended to hear nothing.
'Harlot.' You were louder this time. But I didn't know, I didn't know it was you, or me, or the verdict issued from the court of the normal.
Eventually, I took all the insults you deliberately piled up, and crawled to hide in my secret corner.
But you were still there.
'How did you get in here?' My astonishment escaped me.
Surprisingly, my voice echoed like earthquakes in this narrow space. Hearing my panics delivered back, wave by wave, I was somehow drunk in enjoyment.
You looked at me, silently, as the answer.
'This is my mind palace, my personal space, please leave.' You turned up the volumes, as though it could put me into exile.
Schizophrenia.
I will not be expelled, and you know the reasons better than anybody.
You thought that armouring yourself up with novelty words from alien languages, from cultures can defend yourself from me. You thought scattering those English words in the different parts of a sentence would stop me from intruding you. It was just like you thought laughter like silver bells, alcohol with high enough content, heavily applied cosmetics, or enough attention can save yourself from my intrusion. Your naivety always makes me laugh secretly.
I'm your owner.
Am I the famous black dog of Winston Churchill's? You asked. Yes and no. I'm your other half. Deep-rooted in all of your corners. From your gazes for 'Daddy', your cravings for intimacy and stimulant, your strong desire to be trodden upon, to be a subject to somebody, anybody, you can see my footprints all over.
I'm your shadow.
I see. You're the patches for my mutilated parts, the reflection for all my regrets. Alright, I accept. I accept that you’ll be there for the rest of my life. Let’s be one, once and for all. Light and shadow. Till death do us part. I will no longer deny you, please treat me gently as well. Let’s make a pact—
She never showed up, and my life is back on the track now. I read, I write, I make friends with good people. I watch the news but never express opinions. I date this optimistic boy who has sunny smiles. Acquaint with him, know him, fall in love with him and bond with him. I find my true another half, where I belong to. I'm a good girl. I'm a smart, kind girl. She will never appear again. I'll have a happily-ever-after, because I conform to all the womanly decorum.
I've never left. I'm always here. Here naivety is the medicine for my long living. I'll present a bigger, nicer departure even compared to the poetess who's burning in the oven, as a gift. I'll finish her will to long-lasting fame, to be looked upon for centuries. And we’re one. I’ll look down on all the people in the incarnations of time. Even death can’t do us part, my other half.
I turn my backs against the people, against you, and dive—
You rebel against me again, this is not the departure for me—
