June 23, 2021

祝「妮」生日快樂

文／莊妍

人心籌算自己的道路，唯耶和華指引他的腳步。（箴言十六章9節）

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. -Proverbs 16:9

因此，我的心歡喜，我的靈快樂；我的肉身也要安然居住。（詩篇十六章9節）

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure. -Psalms 16:9

昨天是我的生日，不知怎地想知道《安妮的日記》裡的猶太小女孩安妮怎麼過這一天？我應該是想到昨天我這麼開心，可是我猜測安妮過不了這樣平凡滿足的生日，因為當時的國家不允許她慶祝。

1942年6月14日，週日。寫兩天前是她生日。

1943年6月15日，週二。雖然很多事情發生，貼心的她僅簡短說明。（或是懶得寫字、沒時間寫）

1944年6月23日，週五。沒什麼特別的事情發生，她提到英國、俄國等國的軍事行動，回溯德國受攻擊以來正好三年，並抱持他們一家能重獲自由的日子不遠的盼望。

翻開導論，安妮的手寫日記和掃瞄圖檔，集結成後人所觀看的「檔案」。我始終認為博物館裡的陳列物令人費解，致使駑鈍如我者走馬看花一世，記憶所即便是冷氣的新鮮和歷史的陳舊。今天，我在書房回顧歐陸史，安妮一家藏身25個月之地，她爸爸的足跡及照片，他們藏身的街景和日記......溼了眼眶才知暴力根深柢固編寫在物種基因裡就是如此，以及平凡富貴多麼令人視而不見戰爭的可怕，或不在乎太平盛世的平安滋味。

安妮沒有寫關於6月22日她怎麼過。從遠處回推近身是我一直以來的習慣，可能蠻適合感性的人，這樣的模式讓情緒好下嚥，對於理解人情世故也有一定的果效，有點像是在玩海龜湯，莫名其妙、很可怕又有點合理。

歷史是一部戰史，你同意嗎？那麼人生就是一部戰車了，人海乃不見盡頭之部屬，那麼大江大海恐怕便是踏破了的黃泥濁水，如此展現的生活本像。人盡追逐「居上不居下，作首不作尾」，不，安妮沒有來到這樣的人生追求，她沒有左右自身和家人命運的機會。我猜想她極努力揮舞釣竿，但池塘裡顯然乾涸一片或說這更像是一場想像豐饒的遊戲，而她徜徉其中呼吸著......我並不能夠回溯，也不盡然知道。揣想有限的優點在於不致發瘋，我看她爸爸的照片掉眼淚，是看見做爸的如何咬牙堅立，心疼啊！

安妮的生日在1929年6月12日，我除了心裡輕聲祝她「生日快樂」，也意識到自己這行為的意涵。當我投入信仰時，我不拜木石星辰但可以觀察，我專心仰望耶和華，便以人類世間為有意思。當我不相信神時脾性暴戾，賭氣、厭棄所有幸與不幸。多數時候，人不甘於承認自身匱乏，以致失去像安妮這樣純粹的悟性。我還記得自己那般愚騃的童年，活在自己的世界裡創造王國和子民，不包含世俗的褒貶，極過癮。

我不知道，失去評價和濾鏡是否稱得上是人們最大的擁有？我想問善用科技的創意份子，滿足還在你的掌控範圍內，抑或你並不在乎？我也想問社會，授權他人大肆開採己心的無心之過，難道該繼續瞎下去？

司提反有大信心和聖靈充滿，是我一直很尊敬欣賞的屬靈偉人。我想任何事情、理論都要從中看見人的作為，而見人要見到他心中的火苗是被誰點燃的。祈願步行時人心不失迷，共勉之。

I turned 26 yesterday and I had an awesome birthday. It’s fresh to me because sometimes I’m an overthinker. And I know I’ve been an overthinker for a while, but there’s something different this year. I feel more comfortable talking in my own voice and more active. And it’s because I learn something about myself during these few months.

1.DO something for yourself

Today is Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021. Good afternoon, Taipei! The last thing on my agenda is… No, I don’t do that anymore. In my early twenties, I reach goals for anyone but myself. What does that mean? I didn’t know what to do, not because I did not have any thoughts, but I heard NO more often than YES. So on my first day in 26, I’m so excited to share a video with you guys. :3

2.Stop criticizing

I can’t believe the time is creeping up on everyone. I don’t know about you, but the limitation of humans/myself sometimes makes me feel unbearable. i.e.How many times that you feel or you know you out of time to do something important? My schedule has always been too full or loses control. I fixed problems for others. I speak carefully and gently. But I cannot feel myself. I’ve been fighting a depressed mood and lose hope and happiness. I need a goal and ways to get that. Something good for me and others.

3.Learning slowly is fine

I kept my little secret and then, a secret became a different secret when I kept thinking and talking to myself in my brain. For instance, if I don’t know what he’s talking about, I might pretend that I get what he means. Because I don’t want to feel stupid. However,  the more I hide, the more I feel insecure. Then the way I initially used to protect myself became the pain. I judge myself. Little did I know, this is not healthy to suspect ourselves too often. Too careful on everything is not a good thing!

To cut a long story short, I’m different than before and it’s all happened from inner self to outer self.  It took me a while to really reflect on what happened in my past 25 years… and I had a wholesome birthday yesterday. I’m so grateful for every blessing I got, especially from my parents.

The danger is overrated, at least in my experience.

Lately, I’ve been practicing mind mapping through software called MINDOMO. Also, a digital notes software called NOTION. If these two companies see my video, please contact me. I would love to have some sponsors.

Okay, thank you all for watching. See you next time. :3i