《靈魂說的》如果我的靈魂要回家/If I got to go.

最近，我在書店裡發現了一本很可愛很溫暖的繪本《我離開之後》，它讓我想起了一件事，那就是我一直逃避的生死課題（終於）。

我是跟著奶奶長大的，她是我人生中最重要的人。我的人生開始時，奶奶的起跑線是70歲，我記得從小就在潛意識裏每天都為面臨道別這件事做心理準備，也一直在逃避，用祈禱來逃避，甚至曾經多次在奶奶生病時，祈願用我的生命來換取更多相處時間（這真是很不良的觀念，也衍生一些課題，之後有機會再整理）。

我以為，只要我去上生命線志工培訓、安寧種子培訓、想體驗自己的告別式，就是在學著面對，但其實我是在藉由這些外境逃避，不去正視與把握和奶奶相處的每一刻，我怕太美好的回憶會傷人很深，也不想去看到奶奶正在老去的事實。

逃避一直不是個好選項，保護自己的同時，傷害了對方。

我知道奶奶也很想和我多說說話，多看看我，聽聽我的故事，多給我一些關懷和建議，但我總是因為逃避而去優先處理課業、工作，迴避著不去看奶奶失望的表情。

後來，我經歷了幾位長輩的離開，漸漸發現，如果在世時彼此的關係是好的、情感相通、互相珍惜信任，即便離開了，也好像一直都在，因為我非常瞭解這個人，往後我面臨抉擇時，都好像可以知道他會怎麼建議一樣，靈魂是可以超越實境的。

也漸漸地，經過墓地時反而會生起平靜溫暖的心情，好像受到很多智者看照著的感覺，覺得啊~有時靈魂真的比很多人心純粹許多呢。

真正的道別是在日常裡，如果能做到把真心話都即時表達了，心會踏實許多，也能放下對於離別的焦慮與擔憂，因此，我也開始設想，如果我離開了，我會想說什麼呢？

給會在乎我的離開的人：

“ 我不知道現在會是什麼樣的情景，希望沒有太 drama ，雖然我的人生總是如此。

不知道會有誰，希望你們有難過，但不要太久，我很心軟，可能會醒來；也不要太淡定，我會難過；希望不要太吵，我一直無法忍受嗓門太大的人（你們也別跟我吵，我在聽著）。

希望你們會知道，此刻的我，允許的話，肯定會一一握你們的手跟你們說說感謝、祝福、還有一些我們荒謬好笑的回憶。

希望你們之後生活裡偶然想起我，會是快樂、溫暖、很傻的那個我，我希望留給你們的只有力量跟開心。

如果想到我時，給我分享一些梗圖或動物照片（水獺土撥鼠草泥馬狐狸水豚哈士奇）吧~拜託，我不知道另個世界的幽默感會不會令人失望。

如果想念我時，去幫幫一個人，或是去稱讚植物、動物，我會看見的，也會謝謝您、盡力用我的力量給予祝福（靈體應該有些能力吧）。

我先回家了，在家等你相聚！在那之前，你好好在此享受充實～我會準備好吃的，等你跟我說說後來的精彩。

BTW,

希望中元普渡或忌日會有人準備可麗露，一整盒那種、外脆內軟那種，還有鮮奶茶，無糖溫，謝謝🙏🏻

愛你們！❤️

20231206

“

Recently, I came across a heartwarming book titled 《What To Do When I’m Gone》.It reminded me it's time to finally confront the lifelong topic I've been avoiding – the concept of life and death.

Growing up under my grandmother's care, as my life began, her age was beyond 70. Subconsciously, I've always worried every day about facing the inevitable farewell. I used prayer as a means of evasion, even wishing to exchange my life for hers during my grandmother's illnesses (a rather unhealthy notion, leading to various personal issues, which I'll address later).

I believed that participating in life-support volunteer training, end-of-life care seminars, and envisioning my own farewell ceremony was a way of coping. However, I realized I was merely using these external activities as a means of escape, avoiding the reality of cherishing every moment spent with my grandmother. I feared that the cherished memories might hurt too deeply and didn't want to confront the fact that my grandmother was aging.

Escaping has never been a good option. While protecting myself, I inadvertently hurt the other person.

Later, experiencing the departure of several elders, I gradually discovered that if our relationship was positive connected during their lifetime, emotionally connected, mutually cherished, and trusting, even after their departure, it felt like they were always with me. I understood them deeply, almost as if I could predict their advice whenever faced with decisions. The souls can transcend reality.

As time passed, I found myself feeling peaceful and warm while passing by cemeteries, almost as if guided by many wise souls. Souls truly possess a much purer heart than many people.

Real farewells happen in daily life. If we express our heartfelt words promptly, our hearts will be much more at ease, easing the anxiety and worry of parting. Thus, I've started to imagine what I'd say if I were to leave.

To those who would care about my departure:

"I don't know the circumstances now; I hope it's not too dramatic, although my life has always been that way.

I don't know who'll be here; I hope you'll feel sad but not for long because I'm sentimental and might wake up. Also, don't be too calm; I'll feel sad.

I hope you'll know that, at this moment, if permitted, I'd definitely hold your hands, talk to you, express gratitude, blessings, and share some of our silly and cherished memories.

I hope that in the future, if you think of me, it's with happiness, warmth, and remembering the true-heart side of me. I wish to leave you only with strength and happiness.

If you think of me, share some animal pictures (otters, groundhogs, capybaras, foxes, or huskies) or memes, please.

If you miss me, help someone or compliment plants and animals. I'll see it and show gratitude to you. I'll try my best to bless you with what I can from the other side (I think spirits should have some abilities?).

I'm going home now, waiting to reunite with you! Before that, enjoy and enrich yourselves here. I'll prepare delicious food for you, and tell me about the amazing things that happen later.

By the way, I hope during the Ghost Festival or on memorial days, you will prepare Canelés, the kind that's crispy outside and soft inside, along with milk tea（sugar-free, warm). Thank you 🙏🏻

Love you all! ❤️

20231206

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