底褲與抵抗[國家]的故事 Underpants and Resistance

（另：請勿模仿，現在的警察強力已經跟四年前不可同日而語了。）

我坐在一個沒有窗子的小房間裡。兩個女警站在我面前，看守著我。我的背包和手機在房間的另一頭的桌上。兩個女警的任務也是要確保我無法碰到我的行李。我很緊張，飛速地在想：我怎樣才能拿到手機，刪光裡面的東西？

I am sitting in a little room with no window. Two policewomen stand in front of me, watching me. Across the room, my bag pack and my cell phone are on a desk. The two policewomen are there to prevent me from touching my stuff. I am nervous and thinking as fast as possible: how can I get back my cell phone and delete all the information in it?

這是2015年4月16日，我在中國海關的房間裡。我幾分鐘前在過海關時被截停，並帶進了這個房間。我一進來就被「人包分離」。帶我進來的警察說，我的證件有問題，他要去查一下。在他回來之前，我必須待在這裡。

This is April 16th, 2015. I am at a Chinese custom house. I was stopped at the customs and brought into this room a few minutes ago. I was separated from my packages as soon as I entered this room. The policeman who brought me here said that there was something wrong with my passport, and he needs to check why. Before he comes back, I need to stay in this room.

我想過這種情形可能會發生，我是一個女權行動者，剛剛寫過一些要求釋放「女權五姊妹」的文章——她們是五個中國女權行動者，因為想要在公交車站散發反性騷擾貼紙而被拘留。

I thought of this might happen, because I am a feminist activist, and I had written articles requesting the release of the Feminist Five—five Chinese feminists who were detained because they wanted to handout anti-sexual-harassment stickers to passengers at transport stations. The case is still going on.

我也會被拘留嗎？如果是，我必須立刻刪除手機信息，裡面的聊天記錄可能會暴露其他的行動者。

Am I going to be detained? If so, I need to delete the information on my phone. There are chat records that might expose other activists.

去查詢的警察還沒有回來。我做了一個決定。我站起來，衝向我的手機，抓起它。兩個女警已經衝到了我的身後。我迅速將手機塞進了我的內褲。她們只有兩種選擇：要麼把我按在地下脫掉我的褲子，要麼任由我把手機放在內褲裡。

The policeman has not returned, and I made a decision. I stand up. I run to my phone. I grab it. The two policewomen have already rushed behind my back. I immediately stuff my phone into my underpants. The two policewomen have only two choices. They can either pull me down and take off my pants, or just let me keep my phone.

她們懵了。我趁她們猶豫時跑回了我的座位。她們開始罵我，但沒有使用強力。畢竟，她們只是被命令看守我，不知道我是誰，也不知道應該對我使用什麼級別的強制。

They are shocked. I run back to my seat while they hesitate. They begin to curse me but fall short in using force. After all, they were told to watch me without knowing who I am and what level of force they should pose on me.

看到她們的猶豫，我拿出手機開始刪除信息。當她們其中一個試圖伸手搶我的手機，我立刻把手機又塞回內褲裡。她只好作罷。我等了大概一分半鐘，又開始刪信息。這一次，手機的一半還在我的內褲裡，這樣我可以更快地把手機塞回去，但我的陰阜是半暴露的。女警開始咆哮：“什麼樣的小姑娘會像你這樣？！你是什麼樣的小姑娘？！”她們中的一個走出房間，叫進來一個男警，讓他看我。我沒有抬頭，繼續刪著我的手機。男警感到尷尬，走了。

Seeing their hesitation, I pull out my phone and start to delete records in it. When one of them reaches out to grab my phone, I stuff my phone right back into my underpants. The policewoman has no way but drops her hand. I wait half a minute and start to delete messages again. This time, with half of my phone still inside my underpants, so that I can stuff it back quicker. My mons pubis is half-exposed. The policewomen yell: “What kind of girl would act like you? What kind of girl are you?” One of them goes out and brings a policeman inside and asks him to look at me. I have not raised my head. I keep deleting stuff with my body exposed. The policeman is embarrassed and just leaves.

我把手機清理完之後，一個位階較高的警察才姍姍來遲。他說我是「犯罪嫌疑人」不得出境。但他們沒有打算拘留我，我可以走了。我意識到這只是一次普通的「限制出境」。在中國，每年有成千上百的行動者、異議者和普通商人被限制出境，沒有事先通知也沒有明確理由，我只是其中一個。事實上，半年之後我又嘗試了一次出境，順利過了海關。限制出境的撤銷也悄無聲息。

After I finish erasing my phone and zip up my pants, a senior policeman finally comes and announces that I am a criminal suspect and not allowed to leave the country, but they would not arrest me, and I am free to go. I realize that it is just an exit ban. Hundreds of activists, liberal intellectuals, and businesspeople are banned from leaving Chinese every year with no notification in advance or clear explanation. I am just one of them. And a half year later, I try again and successfully pass the customs. The exit ban is removed without any notification either.

在小房間荒誕劇發生之後的幾天裡，我感到興奮。我為自己驕傲——在面臨風險時，我可以把父權社會的性恥感轉化為武器，保護社群的信息。這多勇敢和敏銳！強大的國家機器被一種更解放的性觀念卡住了！

For a few days after the drama in that little room, I feel excited. I am proud of myself that I was able to weaponize the shame of sex to protect the information of my community in the face of dangers. How brilliant and brave is this? The powerful state was stuck by a more liberating understanding of sex!

然而，幾個月以後，我意識到，回想這段經歷時，我感到不適。我感到噁心。但是，我在噁心什麼呢？我為自己感到羞恥嗎？我後悔自己的行為嗎？

不！如果需要的話我會再做一遍！

However, several months later, I realize that I feel uncomfortable when I recall this experience. I am disgusted. But what am I disgusted with? Am I ashamed of myself? Do I regret what I did? No! I would do it again if necessary!

思考這種不適感幾週以後，我想我明白了。

我為那個情境感到噁心，我感到不適，因為我在那個房間裡太無助了。我沒有別的辦法，只能用在敵意的陌生人面前暴露我的身體來保護我在乎的人和運動。我的褲子是被迫脫下的，因為我一無所有，除了我的身體，在強大而任意的國家機器面前。我可能會受嚴重的羞辱，如果在機器末端的人跟國家一樣毫無人性的話。

我冒了個險，我運氣好，僅此而已。

我應該問：“這是一個什麼樣的國家？”

Reflecting on this feeling for a few weeks, I think I understand it. I am disgusted by the scenario. I am uncomfortable because I was so powerless in that room. I had no way but exposed my body in front of hostile strangers to protect the people and the movements I care about. My pants were forced off, in fact, because I have nothing, but my body, in front of the powerful, arbitrary state. I could have got hurt, severely, if the human beings at the endings of the state power were inhuman as the state is. I took a risk, and I got lucky. That’s it. I should ask, “What kind of states is this?”

我因這段經歷受了創傷，但感到羞恥的應該是國家。

我應該為自己驕傲，但無力感揮之不去。

總有一天，我會真正擁抱這段經歷，它會讓我感受到力量，但我還在路上。

I am traumatized by this experience, but the shame should be on the state.

I should be proud of myself, but the feeling of powerlessness still haunts me.

One day I will truly embrace this experience, and it will empower me, but I am still in the journey.