《當我想快點進入新季節》學習放心休息、大膽漫步、活在當下

2014年12月我因腦瘤展開了一連串的治療，很多身體不適接蹱而來，2017年爆發失眠和焦慮症，直到2017年6月6日進入了靜養的生活，我稱之為bubble life，記得當時一播放soaking music就莫名的流淚，那是一種久早逢甘霖的感受。天父上帝正吸引我進入愛的筵席所，讓祂來滋養我、恢復我，於是決定暫停工作和服事教會，關閉社群媒體，並開始練習soak in God。神為我預備了理想的住處，保守媽媽的工作順利來撫養我，感動許多人為我奉獻，甚至包括專門為了支持我過bubble life的奉獻，至今已經悄悄地過了五年，我真是神悉心照料的花園，有完全自由的時間和空間來靜養，我稱這是"extravagant love"。有時會掙扎真的可以繼續這樣生活嗎？但感受到天父在說我值得這揮霍的愛，於是就憑信心允許自己什麼都不做，允許天父來愛我，除了打理三餐起居、聽信息和閱讀，就是放空發呆、賞花賞鳥、野餐散步，並且固定把晚上的時間留給Journaling and Soaking in Love。這讓我體會到恩典看起來像什麼，就是在我休息的日子，沒有生產力時，神奇妙地供應我一切所需，使我可以享受祂的陪伴和每一天美好的事物。我也去發現哪些事情會使我感到放鬆、療癒，可能是感受到陽光的溫暖、輕風吹拂臉龐、欣賞水鳥優雅地飛越湖面、老鷹展翅在高空中飛翔，逛市集、發明新的料理，體會到天父的心是要我們有proper rest and have fun。

是什麼攔阻我不敢休息？可能是害怕沒有進展的感覺、害怕沒有收入、害怕難以重返工作、害怕別人異樣的眼光、害怕被掌控，沒有成就感、意義感、方向感、使命感實在很難受，但隨著天父每一天以各種方式訴說著祂有多麼愛我，我才漸漸地發現零進展又如何？我依然是值得被愛的、被天父揀選的孩子，當我只是轉向神，讓祂來愛我，就足以使祂完全滿足了！當我不需要透過成就、表現、進展、成果來證明自己的價值或賺取愛，並且更多地接納自己現在的樣子，允許自己的病況就是起起伏伏，對自己的身體說恩言，不逼迫自己的身體爭氣一點，不催促自己快快康復，我的身體狀況漸入佳境，2019年夏天不用再服藥，睡眠恢復正常了，到2021年起其他方面也開始有明顯的進展了！

當我不敢休息時，默想神的話語總是使我的信心再一次被堅固，在我睡著的時候，天父仍然在照顧著我，祂沒有停止工作，當我什麼也不能做時，事情仍持續在神手中進行。我像是一隻困在繭裡的毛毛蟲，從感到掙扎到漸漸地放鬆下來，從等候破繭而出到等候神的榮面，從想要趕快進入到新的季節，到好好地享受現正這個休養的季節，從只看見環境沒什麼進展，到看見內心一天新似一天，這樣的蛻變真是神蹟！

Psalm 127:1-2(TLB) Unless the Lord builds a house, the builders’ work is useless. Unless the Lord protects a city, sentries do no good. It is senseless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, fearing you will starve to death; for God wants his loved ones to get their proper rest.

(GNT)It is useless to work so hard for a living, getting up early and going to bed late. For the Lord provides for those he loves, while they are asleep.

我有一個成立creative studio的夢想，期望藉著創作帶給人療癒與盼望。至今曾經涉略過花藝、部落格、印刷物設計、低碳烘焙、繪畫等，但面對未來我感到毫無頭緒，我問自己：若是我一直找不到工作的方向，甚至再一次失去所有，我會焦慮嗎？我竟開始有安全感說：「我不會失去所有，因為我有了神就有了一切，而且這一次，我不會失去自己！」無論這條創作的旅程會不會有成果，我都不羞愧，我以那個勇於冒險的自己為榮！我相信我正朝向應許之地前進，就是更深地經歷神的愛，成為神起初造的自己，這才是我生命的目標。

是什麼攔阻我與神同步呢？第一，可能是自以為聰明，靠自己的方式想要在我的時間表內完美地進展，想要幫神一把。第二，孤兒的靈使我被追求成就和表現的野心驅動，追求的是自我實現來感受到自己的價值。第三，完美主義使我擔心落入上述的陷井或害怕還沒預備好而裹足不前，或者害怕聽錯神的聲音、作錯決定、害怕失敗而不敢冒險。第四，受到過去的負面經驗影響而自我限制，像是以為自己做不到，或是害怕被打壓而放棄探索新的事物。第五，自卑情結和貧窮思想，成長的歷程很少有被人看好的經驗，不知道自己蘊藏著卓越的DNA，而把自己的未來看得太小。第六，受到世界文化的影響，像是「夢想只要想想就好，應該要腳踏實地、務實一點，應該要負責任，先有穩定的工作收入」，導致沒有看重所懷抱的夢想。

聖經裡也有神所重用的僕人亦是如此，像是摩西、雅各、基甸，神知道我的心渴望與神同步，不會跑在祂前頭或沒跟上祂的帶領，祂也知道我仍在得釋放和自由的過程中，但祂就是揀選我們這樣不完美的人與祂一同築夢，不需要等到夠成熟了才踏上築夢的旅程。只要學習不倚靠自己的聰明去分析判斷，讓神作我的主，讓天父來愛我，並且跟隨祂放在我內心平安的聲音，與祂大膽地漫步；允許自己在作決定時會犯錯，只要我的心向神打開，祂總是樂意引導我走在正路上，這是一種「我搞不砸」的安全感正在被建立。

Proverbs 3:5-12 (MSG) Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!

Proverbs 3:5(GNT) Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12(MSG) we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do.

Psalm 28:7(VOICE) The Eternal is the source of my strength and the shield that guards me. When I learn to rest and truly trust Him, He sends His help. This is why my heart is singing! I open my mouth to praise Him, and thankfulness rises as song.

最近我問自己：當有一天神要帶我進入新的季節時，也許我不再能夠擁有這麼多的時間，不再能夠三餐自煮了，要面對的是許多待辦事項，可能因為重新接觸人群，我會感到被打擾，失去獨處的空間了，我該怎麼辦？這真的很令我感到不安，很想先不理會這種不安，但如果我只是告訴自己不要擔心未來，而沒有處理不安全感，那有可能我會下意識地逃避而使身體無法完全康復起來。很奇妙的是神在此時藉著許多方式來鼓勵我，或許我會捨不得離開bubble life，但我有機會欣賞到新的景色、結交新的朋友，就像才剛看到的卡通《猜猜我有多愛你》栗小兔體會到如果沒有葉子凋謝的季節，就不會有莓果了。我知道神正在使我單單以祂自己為最大的滿足，當進入新季節的日子來到時，我還是可以靠著神加的力量去適應任何情況。儘管物換星移，神的愛卻永不改變，祂依然陪伴著我，當我持續與生命的源頭連結時，會使我超越環境，依然感到安全感、滿足、快樂，我相信這就是保羅在腓立比書所說的the recipe for being happy。

腓立比書4:11-13(現中本) 我這樣說，不是因為我缺少甚麼；我已經學會對現狀滿足。我知道怎樣過貧困的生活，也知道怎樣過富裕的生活。我已經得到祕訣，隨時隨地，飽足好，飢餓也好，豐富好，缺乏也好，我都知足。藉著基督所賜的力量，我能夠適應任何情況。

Philippians 4:13 (AMP) I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]

Philippians 4:10-14 (MSG) I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13(NLV) I am not saying I need anything. I have learned to be happy with whatever I have. I know how to get along with little and how to live when I have much. I have learned the secret of being happy at all times. If I am full of food and have all I need, I am happy. If I am hungry and need more, I am happy. I can do all things because Christ gives me the strength.

我不知道哪一天神會帶領我進入新的季節，我學習儘可能地去enjoy life，在安息的季節就允許自己躺臥在可安歇的水邊，去感受神的愛，讓祂來說服我神有多麼地愛我，同時也學習去照顧自己的身心靈，讓身體可以康復得更好。另一方面也去培養興趣和運動啫好，做自己喜歡的事情，像是創作、寫作，這是找回自己的重要過程，放下「應該要先有工作收入才可以玩樂」這種不知哪裡來的規條，然後繼續發呆、發空、作夢！我學習活在當下，先求神的國和神的義，專注在神正在做什麼，然後跟著祂同步，不要為明天憂慮，面對明天有專屬明天夠用的恩典，船到橋頭自然直。

Matthew 6:30-34(MSG) Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6:31-34(TLB) So don’t worry at all about having enough food and clothing. Why be like the heathen無宗教信仰的人/異教徒? For they take pride in all these things and are deeply concerned about them. But your heavenly Father already knows perfectly well that you need them, and he will give them to you if you give him first place in your life and live as he wants you to. So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.

無論是現在與天父漫步在花園，感覺好像很緩慢、原地踏步、漫無目的，抑或未來進入新的季節時，任務更多了，步調更快了，願神使我擁有childe like faith and trust，知道我是跟著天父爸爸搭著雲霄飛車去旅行，祂會幫助我與祂同負一軛，在安息與恩典的節奏中前進，過去祂大費周章地調度萬有來照顧我，未來祂也會如此，好消息是只要我不跳車，一定可以安全地抵達終站，就算我跳車了，聖靈也會抓住我，我只需要讓祂扶持我。

Romans 8:15-17(MSG) This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Romans 8:14-15(VOICE) If the Spirit of God is leading you, then take comfort in knowing you are His children. You see, you have not received a spirit that returns you to slavery, so you have nothing to fear.

Romans 8:14(AMP) For all who are allowing themselves to be led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.