這幾天在看韓劇《我的藍調時光》時我有些複雜的情緒被攪動了起來，同時也參加了錢玉芬老師有關內在腳本的講座，發現自己有一些負面信念被更新了，但有一些還是根深蒂固，當天晚上就失眠了，我關心自己怎麼了，原來是害怕明天會遲到、害怕沒做好會帶給人麻煩、害怕被責怪這些情緒湧現出來，溫柔地傾聽自己後才可以好好睡覺。還好隔天有順利起床，為了準時赴約，我的動作加快了，早餐的份量減少了，結果對方有事無法來，當下竟有鬆一口氣的感覺。後來在讚美之泉的聚會中我察覺到自己的另一波情緒，那是一種失望，因為昨天半夜的那種緊張焦慮感也曾在參加《全人健康營》時發生過，我以為當時已經被醫治釋放了，沒想到這次又來了，我對自己和對神都感到失望，仇敵趁機試探我相信謊言：「你不是都已經把這個害怕交給耶穌了嗎？還不是沒有用...」，我心中吶喊著：「我不明白為什麼會這樣，但我還是相信耶穌能救我，祂也會救我，因為我是神所愛的孩子」，後來唱到《曠野中唯一的力量》這首歌時我被聖靈安慰了，這是我與神美好的相遇時刻。
回家在聽這首歌時，有一段當時沒有唱的歌詞真是深觸我心：「祢是愛我的天父，絕望中祢仍然不停地運行，祢不願我停留黑暗中，不停追尋我，直到我得自由」，這使我想起這些經文：
Ephesians 1:14(NTE) The spirit is the guarantee of our inheritance, until the time when the people who are God’s special possession are finally reclaimed and freed. This, too, is for the praise of his glory.
Ephesians 1:14(NLV) The Holy Spirit was given to us as a promise that we will receive everything God has for us. God’s Spirit will be with us until God finishes His work of making us complete. God does this to show His shining-greatness.
Ephesians 1:14(NCV) That Holy Spirit is the guarantee that we will receive what God promised for his people until God gives full freedom to those who are his—to bring praise to God’s glory.
1 Peter 1:3-5(MSG) What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.
神沒有停止追尋我們，直到有一天我們將完全屬於神，脫離捆綁，得著完全的自由、醫治、整全與神所應許的一切，無論我是否可以感覺得到，祂正在拯救，我不需要著急，只要歇下自己的工，耐心地讓神完成祂主動發起的工作吧！
Ephesians 2:7-10(MSG) Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving.
神以我的進步為榮，像是尋回迷失之羊那樣為我大大地歡喜，我能夠為神做最棒的一件事就是：擁抱神為我做的一切！因此我要為著已有的進步來歡慶，而不是一直去看還沒有完工的部份。除此之外，就是去察覺神此時正在邀請我如何與祂同工，並且快速地回應，就像在失眠的時候我學習像神一樣溫柔地陪伴自己，讓需要被聽見的情緒表達出來，神真的透過我做得很棒吧！
Romans 12:1-2(MSG) So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
神使萬物各按其時成為美好，並且人們不能察覺神自始至終的計畫和作為(傳道書3:11)。雖然我無法理解為什麼禱告了這麼久，有些軟弱似乎還是那個樣子，但我可以不羞愧，不對自己失望，因為神必要實現祂的應許！信心是建立在神的話語上，不是對自己的信心，一切是關乎神的信實，不是我的信心；當我信心不足時，聖靈必會來堅固我，就像這次我就經歷到聖靈連續八次的鼓勵，即時地使我重燃盼望，這份情誼真是太珍貴了啊！
Psalm 119:116(ERV) Uphold me according to Your word [of promise], so that I may live;And do not let me be ashamed of my hope [in Your great goodness].
"So even when you fail, know that My love sees beyond your missteps and always believes the best for you. For at the end of the day beloved, it is not about your faith, but My unwavering faithfulness. So take a deep breath and set your heart at rest, for My love will never give up and it will never fail you."-Barry Adams(摘錄自今日的God Loves You文章)
當我想要快點剛強起來時，我學習靠著聖靈來相信神的應許，以永恆的眼光來期待完全的自由，耐心參與生命更新的過程，為已經進步之處歡慶；饒恕因為我的軟弱而批評論斷和輕看我的人，允許自己可以軟弱，不需要努力變強，不因軟弱而羞愧，因為在我軟弱時，神就已經愛我了(羅馬書5:8)！神就是喜歡我這個樣子，好像有裂痕的瓦器承裝著寶貝(哥林多後書4:7)，蘊藏著神的大能和榮光，要顯明這剛強的生命是出於神，不是出於自己。如同保羅三次求神挪去他的軟弱，神沒有挪走，並告訴他：「我的恩典夠你用，因為我的能力在人的軟弱上顯得完全。(哥林多後書12:9)」，既然如此，不用等到完全自由的那日來到，現在就讓我們深呼吸，給自己一個愛的擁抱吧！
天父好像在說:「你不需要當女強人，你只要當個需要被愛的孩子就好。」
