文化衝擊──不同的溝通邏輯

Communication Logic

Growing up in my family, I picked up a unique way of communicating with certain folks in Taiwan. When someone tosses a question your way, it might not be about the question itself but more of a vibe check on your mood.

Take, for instance, the classic Taiwanese query, "吃飽了嗎？" (Have you eaten?). It's not really about whether you've had a meal; it's more like a gauge to figure out if it's cool to keep the conversation rolling, based on how you respond.

Let's say someone replies with, "還沒啦！餓得要死" (Not yet! Starving to death). You'd catch on that it's not the best time for a chat, and making a swift exit might be the move. A response like "那你趕快去吃" (Well, you better go eat) might follow.

Now, the reason I navigate conversations this way goes back to my old man. When my dad throws a question my way, it's not really a question; he's just probing my "heart."

Back in the day, he laid down the law that I had to be home by five.
"You aware you're tardy? Why are you five minutes late?"
If I thought he genuinely wanted to know why and responded with, "Because the bus was running late today," I was in for it.
"Dare to talk back," he'd say, and I'd find myself kneeling for half an hour.

From that point on, I caught on. When my dad asks, "Why are you five minutes late?" he's not fishing for the reason; he wants an apology and an acknowledgment of my slip-up.

Then there was this other time I was running behind. Dad goes, "You know you're late? Why are you ten minutes late?"
This time, I'd learned my lesson. "Sorry, I was way behind today," I'd say.
Dad's response? "Good to know. Be earlier next time."

OSPAN ALI on Unsplash

Turning someone down requires saying yes first

Turning someone down requires saying yes first. When you're about to turn someone down, start with a "yes." When you want to say "no," lead with a "yes." It's a bit of wisdom I picked up from pops. When you're dealing with someone who takes pride in their reputation, you can't shut them down right away, or you might be seen as throwing shade.

If Dad throws a question my way, and I hit him with a straight-up "I've got something going on" or "No," he'd feel like I'm dissing him, and I'd be in a tight spot. Some Taiwanese folks (like my dad) when they ask "good or not," they're not really checking if it's good; they're figuring out where you stand, confirming your allegiance. So, I learned to set the emotional stage with my first sentence.

For instance, if Dad's like, "I'm heading to Carrefour later to grab some stuff, you up for joining?"

If I don't fancy the idea, I gotta start with, "Sure, no problem. I'll hit the books right away."

If I say "NO" at that moment, the likely consequence is getting "牆掄" – having my hair grabbed and my head knocked against the wall, a behavior some Taiwanese parents might resort to when angry.

So, if I don't want to go, I would first say to my dad,

"Sure, no problem. I'll go do my homework right away."

Dad might be like, "Wasn't I telling you to get ready to head out? Why are you hitting the books?"
I'd explain, "Got a ton of homework today, might take a while, so I'll do some before heading out and finish the rest when I'm back. Should get it done that way."
Dad then asks, "How much homework you got? How long's it gonna take?"
I'd say, "Teacher loaded us up this time, gotta put in 3 hours."
Dad's like, "What! That long? Forget it, I'll go solo," and off he goes.

Later on, I can hit him with why I'm not up for it, and he's more likely to roll with the fact that "I'm not going." If I just flat-out say I'm not into it, I'd probably be in for it.

University

Growing up with this kind of typical Taiwanese mindset, I somehow ended up majoring in foreign languages. You can probably guess how awkward it was for me, dealing with the clash of two totally different cultures, communication styles, and ways of thinking.

In college, I had to take classes like "Oral English Training" and "English Debate." These were taught by a German teacher, and let me tell you, he really threw me for a loop.

When he said "Yes," he meant a solid "Yes."

And "No" was a straight-up "No"!!!

For someone like me, used to saying "Yes" when I mean "No" or the other way around, it was a real head-scratcher.

Their logic, those foreigners, it was just so different from us Taiwanese! It wasn't about hiding a "No" inside a "Yes" or the other way around; it was clear-cut – "Yes" actually meant "Yes," and "No" genuinely meant "No."

Unlike us, who often say "It's nothing" when there's something, their logic doesn't work that way.

You can guess how my English speaking scores probably weren't anything to write home about. And when I found out that the oral English training wasn't just one class but included

Oral English Training I,

Oral English Training II,

Oral English Training III,

Oral English Training IV,

Oral English Training V,

and Oral English Training VI – let me tell you, my face was a masterpiece of both amazement and resignation. (눈‸눈)

不是真的在問你

我的家庭教育，教會我一套和特定台灣人的溝通方式

別人在問你問題，可能不是在問你問題，而是在看你心情好不好

例如：「吃飽了嗎？」(台語)

其實不是在問你吃飽了嗎，只是看你回答的方式去判斷現在要不要跟你繼續說話。

假設那個人回答：「還沒啦！餓得要死」

這時候就知道，現在不適合談話，要趕快溜掉，可能就會回答

「那你趕快去吃。」然後溜掉

為什麼我的思維方式是這樣，這要從我爸爸說起

我爸爸在問我話時，他不是真的在問我話；而是在試探我的「心」

例如，我小時候，爸爸規定我五點前要到家。

「你知道你晚回家了嗎？怎麼遲到五分鐘？」

如果我以為我爸是真的在問我原因，而說「因為公車今天來得比較晚」，我就完蛋了。

我爸會說：「還敢頂嘴。」去旁邊跪半小時

從此，我學會了。當我爸問我「你怎麼遲到五分鐘？」他不是真的在問我，而是要我道歉，表明我知道錯了。

之後，又有一次，我晚回家。我爸又問我「你知道你晚回家了嗎？怎麼遲到十分鐘？」

這次我學乖了，我說：「對不起，我今天太晚了。」

我爸：「知道就好。下次要早一點」

拒絕要先說好

我的家庭教育告訴我

要「拒絕」對方的時候，要先「答應」

想說「不好」的時候，要先說「好」

這也是從我爸身上學來的道理，和有些愛面子的人說話，不能第一句就否定他，否則可能會被視為駁他面子

假設我爸問我問題，我第一句就說「我有事情或不」，我爸會覺得我不給他面子，第一句就否定他，我就完蛋了！

某些台灣人(像我爸)他們在問「好不好」的時候，其實不是真的在問「好不好」，而是問你的立場在不在他那邊、確認你是不是他那一國的。

所以我學到，第一句要先穩定他的情緒

例如：我爸問我說

「我晚點要去家樂福買東西，你陪我出去逛一逛好不好？」

這時候如果我說不好，下場大概就是被「掄牆」，享受台灣傳統家長技能

所以如果我不想去，要先跟我爸說

「好的，沒問題。我馬上去寫作業」

「不是叫你準備出門嗎？怎麼要去寫作業。」我爸說

「我今天功課很多，可能要寫很久，所以出門前寫一點，回家後再寫一點，這樣應該就寫得完」

「你作業多少？要寫多久？」我爸好奇地問

「這次老師派的功課比較多，要寫3個小時。」我說

「什麼！要這麼久。那算了，我自己去」我爸就走了

先說「好」，他會覺得我想去、沒有要忤逆他。創造出一種情境，我「想去」，只是我「不能去」

之後再說我不想去的原因，這樣，他就比較能夠接受「我不去」。

如果我不想去，直接就說不想去，大概率就會被揍 (｡ŏ_ŏ)

大學的挑戰

擁有這樣類型的傳統台灣人思維的我(陰中有陽、陽中有陰──好中有不好、不好中有好)，後來居然上了外文系。可想而知，兩種不同文化、不同溝通方式、不同邏輯的對撞──我是多麼的不適應

我大學必修課有「英文口語訓練」「英文辯論」

教我們這兩門課的是一位德國男老師，他給我的震撼教育就是

他說的「Yes」，真的就是「Yes」。「No」就真的是「No」。

請讓我的驚訝再飛一會 ＼(◎o◎)／

！！！！

( ･ั﹏･ั)

(・へ・)

這讓要說「No」會先說「Yes」，要說「Yes」先說「No」的我，在那段時間真的是無所適從。

這外國人的邏輯也和我們有些台灣人差太多了吧！

不是「Yes」裡面含有「No」，「No」裡面含有「Yes」；
而是涇渭分明，「Yes」真的就是「Yes」，「No」就真的是「No」。

像我們台灣人常常說「沒事」，就是「有事」。

但是外國人並不是這樣。

可想而知，我的英文口說訓練，分數一定不太好看。

而且，當我得知英文口說訓練不是只有一堂課，而是有

英文口說訓練(一)

英文口說訓練(二)

英文口說訓練(三)

英文口說訓練(四)

英文口說訓練(五)

英文口說訓練(六)

我還記得我那時候的臉色，超精彩的，好無奈 (๑•́ ₃ •̀๑)