固定式思維的掙扎
我們都希望彼此成為更好的人；我們也的確成功讓彼此都成為了更好的人！
We all aspire to become better versions of ourselves for each other, and we've truly succeeded in making one another better!
以下是描述 我談離婚的經驗
這個回憶，挺令人難忘的
我跟我家寶貝其實談了不少次分手+離婚，我們之間感情不錯，但價值觀、思維模式、成長環境都差距挺大的。
我的青年和中年時期，就在與他分分合合、合合分分、又分分合合中度過。希望我們能夠一起攜手到老年吧！
The experience
What follows is my account of the experiences that led us to consider divorce. My partner and I have discussed breaking up and getting divorced numerous times. Although our relationship has been good, we face significant differences in values, thought processes, and backgrounds.
My youth and middle age have been a whirlwind of breakups and reconciliations with my babe.
I genuinely hope we can hold hands and grow old together!
Facing Criticism
I still recall my daring saying, "The issues you had ten years ago are still the same today."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes, thinking,
"Haven't I changed at all?" The truth is, I've changed a lot.
Ten years ago, when you pointed out my flaws, I would just watch your mouth move while sitting quietly, mentally screaming, “You're so annoying! Can you please just be quiet? I don't want to hear this!”
Back then, I would explode at the slightest hint of criticism.
I said, "Babe, I'll change," just because I didn't want to lose you.
But that doesn't really mean I'm going to change or that I agree with your perspective—I was just brushing you off.
Fear
I remember you asking, “Why are you so unwilling to accept that you have flaws?”
I replied, “I'm afraid.”
What are you afraid of?”
"Afraid you'll leave me,” I answered, my voice trembling and my emotions unraveling.
"What does accepting your flaws have to do with me leaving you? Why do you think that way?”
I...
I...I
I...I...I
I began to think.
I started to reflect on the reasons behind my behavior, and it hurt. I didn’t want to know why. I didn’t want to think about it.
Fine, I’ll start thinking.
Why do I explode when someone points out my flaws?
Why do I feel so uneasy when criticized?
Why do I think my daring will leave me?
What am I really afraid of?
After deep reflection, I realized my greatest fear isn’t death (I've attempted suicide three times)
My deepest fear is losing the people I care about. Right now, the person I care about most is my beloved.
But my partner has assured me, so what am I really afraid of?
It doesn't make sense. Why do I tremble with fear?
Searching for answers
Searching for answers, I thought back to my childhood. My parents divorced when I was young, and I always felt it was my fault. I thought that if I had behaved better, they wouldn’t have been angry. If I had scored higher, I wouldn’t be considered a failure. I felt they left because I wasn’t good enough—that I was worthless. That's why I endured abuse and believed that any mistake would lead to everything collapsing.
I carried that pain into adulthood, and perhaps many other children grew up similarly.
Who hasn't grown up with their own scars?
Isn’t this a product of traditional education?
I’m not sure if it's normal, but the belief that mistakes equate to worthlessness runs deep. Perhaps it's a stress response from childhood?
As I grew older, I began to realize that believing you can’t make mistakes is abnormal—everyone makes mistakes. I gradually adapted to this mindset at work, but when it comes to relationships…
The Difference Between Work and Life
“When you’re at work, do you act like this?”
Another soul-searching question.
I pondered it. In teaching, we follow steps like lesson planning, observation, and review. During meetings, we express our thoughts, discuss how to make lessons smoother, and assess whether we’ve met our goals.
"When you're in meetings, who do you respect the most?”
Do you base your respect on age, seniority, gender, race, or position?
I thought again. Not really. In fact, I usually respect new members the most. Perhaps it’s a generational thing. Younger teachers tend to be more eager to speak up, offer suggestions, and contribute to projects. They often bring more value to the team, while us older folks are less vocal and contribute less to progress.
“In meetings, you respect those who drive the team forward and contribute to progress. So why can’t you apply that same respect in your personal life?”
Another soul-searching question.
Hmm…
“That’s a tough question,” I admitted, my face scrunching up in frustration.“Maybe it’s because I can think more calmly at work,” I suggested.
“So why can’t you think calmly when you’re with me?”
“Why do you respond with respect and gratitude when your colleagues point out your flaws, but with anger and fear when I do?”
“Do you think I’m scolding you?”
Uh...
What is clouding my judgment?
What am I really afraid of?
“I'm not your parents. I won't leave you just because you have flaws,”my daring said, clearly upset, even swearing—a rarity for 163.
“Is there a flaw of yours that I don’t already know about? I’m aware of all of them, okay?” my babe said, sounding a bit helpless.
My daring wanted me to be independent and to believe I was worthy of love.
That’s when I realized I was a deeply insecure individual.
“If leaving would help you grow, I’d choose to leave,” my babe said, sounding defeated.
Ten Years Later
Perhaps my greatest transformation came ten years later when I discovered the root of my problem: my inferiority complex. I could finally focus on addressing issues instead of berating myself when my flaws were pointed out.
Our Relationship
I consider myself fortunate to have met my daring in my life. 163 helped me understand myself better. Even though the path to growth is fraught with challenges, having my babe by my side makes it all worthwhile.
In our time together, I feel like I’ve shifted from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. I once believed that everything was set in stone, but my babe helped me realize that the future can hold many different possibilities.
面對批評
我還記得他和我說：「你十年前的問題，到現在還是一樣。」
我翻了個大大的白眼，想說我變了好ㄇ
我變了很多
十年前，你說我的缺點，我只看著你開開合合的口腔，靜靜地坐在那，心裡想著
『你好煩啊！你能不能閉嘴，我一點都不想聽』
十年前我大爆炸，完全無法接受你說我的缺點
只是因為我還不想跟你分開，才違心的說
「寶貝，我會改。」
還記得你問我說：「你為什麼不願意接受你有缺點。」
我說：「我害怕。」
「你害怕什麼？」
「怕你離開我。」我用顫抖的聲音回答，整個情緒大崩潰
「你接受自己有缺點和我離開你有什麼關係？你為什麼會這樣想」
我
我我
我我我
我沉默了
......
.........
.................
開始思考中
思考中
思考我行為背後的原因，這真的好痛苦
我完全不想知道為什麼，我完全不想去思考
但是
好吧
我開始想
活在過去的我
為什麼我被人講缺點會大爆炸?
為什麼我被人講缺點，會很不安
為什麼我被人講缺點，我會覺得他會離開我
我到底在怕什麼？
啊！我深深思考了之後
我發現，我最懼怕的不是死亡
最懼怕
我最懼怕的是
重視的人轉身離開
而目前
我最重視的是
我家寶貝
但是，我家寶貝說他不會因為我做錯事情就離開我啊？
所以我是在害怕什麼？
這不合理吧
我為啥害怕到發抖啊？？？？
尋找原因
我想到我小時候
我小時候，父母離婚了
我以為是我的錯
可能我表現好一點，父母就不會生氣
可能我分數考高一點，就不會是廢物
總覺得是因為我太垃圾，所以父母才會離開
才會被家暴
所以我不能犯錯，犯了錯，這個家就會崩潰
我帶著這樣的傷痛長大，可能有許多跟我一樣的孩子都這樣長大
誰又不是帶著一身傷長大呢？
傳統式教育就是這樣的吧？？？？
就像林燃大大上次說的「拎爸尚大教育法」
我也不知道這是正常還是不正常
總之，犯錯了就是垃圾，可能是小時候的應激反應？
隨著我漸漸長大，我認知到一件事情─不允許自己犯錯是不正常的─只要是人都會犯錯。漸漸地在工作上調整過來。但是，工作上能夠調整，感情上就......
生活與上班的差異
「你工作的時候會這樣嗎？」
又是一個靈魂問題
我想了想.....
老師的工作會有說課、觀課、議課的步驟
我們開會的時候會說出自己的想法，去做討論，要怎麼樣可以讓課程進行的更順利、是否有達成課程目標等。
「那你開會的時候，最尊重的人是誰呢？」
是依據年齡、資歷、性別、種族、職務去判斷誰該被你尊重嗎？
我想了想，並不是。我反而尊重的通常是新進老師
可能是世代的不同，年輕人比較踴躍發言、勇敢說出建議、對專案比較有貢獻、對團隊貢獻通常也比較大。可能是因為年輕人一出生就是在民主環境裡面，比較不懼怕發言？而我們這世代已經習慣不表達意見，只做一個良好的工具人？
尊重
我尊重的是有價值的發言、好的建議、能夠推動這個專案的人，而這些通常是新進人員比較會做的事情，反而我們這些老人都比較不愛發言，對推動進步比較沒幫助。
「你在工作的時候，尊重的是讓你們團隊能夠推進、能夠進步的人。那怎麼不在工作的時候，你就做不到了？」
又是一個靈魂問題
恩......
「好難回答。」我的臉都快皺成苦瓜臉了
「唉！」我深深地吸了一口氣
「可能是工作的時候我可以冷靜思考吧！」我說
「那你和我在一起就不能冷靜思考了嗎？」
「為什麼你同事說你缺點，你的反應是尊重、感謝；我說你缺點，你的反應是暴怒、恐懼？」
「你是不是以為我在訓你？」
ㄜ......
.................
我到底是因為什麼事情而被蒙蔽了?
我到底在害怕什麼
「我不是你父母。我不會因為你有缺點，就離開你。」他好像生氣了，因為他爆了粗口 (我真的很少聽見他講髒話)
可能是因為我不相信他吧？我猜
「你哪個缺點是我不知道的。我都知道好ㄇ。」他好像有點無奈
他希望我能夠獨立自主、能夠相信自己值得人愛、他覺得我很好
我那時候才發現，原來我是一個挺
自卑的人類
「如果我的離開，對你的成長比較有利。我會選擇離開。」他落寞地說道
十年後
或許我的改變就是
十年後我發現了問題的根源
源自於我的自卑感
我現在比較能在他說問題的時候，專注在問題上
而不是貶低自己
人最難認同的就是自己！
上輩子我一定做了許多好事
我很幸運，在我的人生中遇到他。讓我更認識我自己
也更肯定自己
儘管成長的道路上佈滿荊棘
但是，有他陪著
我覺得很好
和他相處
我可能從固定式思維轉成了成長式思維吧！
我曾經覺得一切就是那樣
他讓我發現，其實未來可以有
不同的可能性
緣起
上次看了格友Treize的文章思考著在婚姻中彼此在意可能想分開的理由
我的思維很跳躍，想到了我和另一伴談離婚的場景，就把它寫下來吧！(雖然挺痛苦的，可能成長都伴隨著陣痛??)
可能記錄下來，就能夠遺忘？
或許我們人生中會有不同的理由，讓人們在意、讓人們離別
不過沒關係，大家都要好好的愛自己、也愛彼此(不管是朋友還是愛人)
相信我們都會好好的 ^口^
另外
你上次在我那留言說：「左心房淚光閃閃」，那這次呢？
格友互動問題
你們也有害怕分離的經驗嗎？友情、親情，還是和我一樣是愛情？
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