Overall - The third semester in uni
上 Void, Delightful
I limitlessly, relentlessly play down, sinking into a state where I consciously drag myself down to the level that I'm not supposed to be, not my competency naturally sits and can perform the best, just like the mid-late high school year. Nevertheless, I'm happy and feel like I've never been so enriched with hopefulness and joy before. I know that I'm probably, from the appearance, not as competent, masterly, proficient, adroit, and accomplished as before, but I'm happier and more nerveless. I'm more relaxed, saggy, and not caring about literally anything. Sometimes I think I take myself too easy, but sometimes I think I deserve it all, and it's a gift sent from God that tells me to rest, not to persist in something too much. It's the unbounded downgrade of a standard), possessing the mood of being on vacation. Is that a good thing? Seeing myself dwindling with level falling downward but feeling unguilty, even delightful, simply not trying to strive my best and emit my whole effort, but feeling no remorse or regret while thinking it's all just a phase, "nothing lasts forever and it doesn't matter". Yes, the world and the environment where I'm in don't necessarily need all the capabilities that I have and the things I cared about before. But it's also okay to, anyway, use it and present it. But I don't, not because I cannot do it. It's totally not that I lose the ability to do those; it's just that I don't want to. Somehow my conception of facing things in every aspect of life changes, and I may not hold on to the specific things that I used to emphasize before, but it eventually shapes a behavioral circumstance and embodiment of laziness, shiftlessness, and unenlightenedness.
Still keep self-convincing that I take it to the next level, where ease and a simple way of thinking, expressing, and caring are better than putting 100% of your effort into everything that you want to perform well and achieving certain goals that actually have nothing to do with your ultimate result. I just got a glimpse of awareness that transferring my mind and letting things go are not the smartest way to handle it with an excellent strike, but the healthiest and naturalest.
It's not that I have become lazier and lazier; neither can I do those things. It's hard to discover that there's an intangible force that turns me into thinking that I do not need to do those things. I'm not making excuses; I know where I am going and how.
Days rapidly and unconsciously passed; another shortcut to delightfulness, carefreeness, and happiness is there, paving the way in front of me. It has no difficulty to just step into the path and start walking towards that road end. But I'm still wandering, searching for something else, while the goal that I was supposed to choose is right here, and I just need to keep walking straight. I make it hard, complicating the whole thing. There is never a sense of contentment inside my heart, which at least it is seemingly, while the truth is that I don't want to just face it and confess that I'm happy in order to continue staying cool and "relevant". Is this the true me? When can I "release" myself and admit how I feel in the moment, in my deepest heart? I'm running into ecstasy.
It's another ennui. I skip and give up some (maybe a lot) to let myself be freer, easier, happier, and simpler. But this inevitably led to boredom and vanity, which, I think, is the side effect of trying to be easier and happier by throwing something to do away.
