育兒 Parenting | 如如不動 上篇 State of Calm: Part I（雙語寫作）
斷開了臍帶就該開始相信孩子有獨立成長的能力。
訓練孩子獨立最早可以從嬰兒時期開始。
Z先生好愛孩子跟我們同床睡，可是他是個超敏感型爸爸，孩子只要翻個身就會把他吵醒，加上他是個睡癖很差的人，一旦被吵醒就很難再入睡。
每次和孩子同床隔天早上起來，Z先生肯定滿口怨言，說前一晚因為孩子翻來覆去沒睡好。試問，哪個孩子睡覺會穩如泰山？
歷經幾次上述經驗，我翻白眼翻夠後就決定：除非孩子生病，不然一定要讓孩子睡自己的床。
雖然每每孩子哭就要起床看一下、哄一下，但我只要刻意讓自己處在模糊意識，我是可以倒下就馬上再入睡的。
孩子因為從嬰兒時期就一直單獨睡自己的床，等到他們大到可以睡自己的房間時，那個轉換便輕鬆到不可思議。
給孩子自己的床（自己的房間）
為了準備迎接老二的到來，我們刻意找了兩房的新住處，想順勢讓大女兒學會自己睡一間房。我緊張的特定請教朋友如何幫助女兒面對轉變。
從搬家前，我們就開始用很興奮的口吻告訴她，她即將擁有自己的房間，也指出這代表著她要自己睡在那個房間。但也安撫的解釋，爸媽的房間在走道另一頭，她可以隨時去找我們。
搬入新家的當晚，我還是擔心她無法適應，所以關燈後陪她一起躺在床上。五分鐘過了，我心裡才開始煩惱不知要陪她多久，她幽幽的聲音就傳來：「媽媽，妳可以走了，我要睡覺了！」
不知是我們替她做的心理建設做得太好或她個性使然，她乾脆利落的適應了，反而是我依依不捨的失落了！
獨立訓練可以從日常瑣事做起，如: 讓孩子自己背書包。
在幼稚園的入學第一天起，書包自己背就是不變的真理。
我們選擇的幼稚園不供餐，讀半天的學生要自己帶點心，讀一整天的就要加帶午餐。所以孩子的書包裡就是只有每天的點心盒，肯定不會背到有負擔。他們偶爾撒嬌不想自己背書包時，我就會原地把書包放下，說：「那書包不要了！」
屢試不爽，他們肯定回頭去拾起自己的書包，認命的自己背起。
當大人在一件件的小事上開始訓練孩子獨自作業，獨立感也就如此建立起來了。
適時的讓孩子在適當年齡開始學會自己收玩具、做家事、準備簡餐，雖然過程中很需要大人的時間與耐心，但不出幾年就可以收穫輕鬆人生。
在孩子學齡前，我們就很積極訓練孩子自己收玩具。（我分享過我的訓練過程，請參考：育兒｜漸進式的養成孩子獨立收玩具的好習慣）。
喜歡下廚的Z先生，在假日時間允許下，都會鼓勵孩子在廚房幫忙。他教孩子們桿過印度博餅、pizza皮，一起幫忙做蛋糕。
我心臟算大顆，只要孩子有興致來廚房幫忙，我會從提供奶油刀開始，讓他們練習切菜。他們願意洗碗時，我就會挑摔不破的餐具碗盤，讓孩子開始學習。
做家事是可以伴隨孩子一生的重要技能。我觀察到，藉著做家事不僅可以趁機訓練孩子的「動作技能」發展，還可以建立責任感、成就感與對家庭的愛護心。
但因材施教需要運用在家事的訓練。我們家水瓶座的大女兒會用隨便掃一掃的態度來掃地，我們就會提醒她，請她張開眼睛、注意看、專心把地掃乾淨。
我們家處女座小女兒可以花上十分鐘清掃餐桌地上，她一旦覺得她掃好了，我們就不會吹毛求疵的去看她有沒有哪裡沒掃乾淨。
至於身為老二的兒子，則要從頭到尾教導掃地的步驟，要不然他就是覺得他有把掃把和畚箕拿在手上碰到地就是叫掃地了。
但，身為父母在執行訓練孩子獨立的各項活動時，都要深呼吸，告訴自己「給孩子時間」。
我們都要隨時謹記孩子就是孩子，動作就是沒大人快，思慮就是沒大人周詳。我們不能常常在孩子動作慢時，就不耐煩的馬上接手做。
一位也是媽媽的朋友曾和我分享，她都會多預算二十分鐘的時間來準備出門，這樣才能給孩子足夠的時間準備，也可預防可能會在出門前發生的各種小意外。
在我們一一教孩子學會該有的生活技能時，我們大人要同時學習如何放慢自己的腳步，陪伴孩子一步步成長。
下一篇我想來分享，學齡後的獨立訓練可以晉升到哪個程度。
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The moment the umbilical cord is cut is the moment we must begin to trust in our child's innate ability to grow independently.
Training a child to be independent can start as early as infancy.
Mr. Z absolutely loved having a child sleep in our bed. But he was also an incredibly sensitive father. The slightest movement from the child would wake him up, and being someone with terrible sleep habits, once he was disturbed, it was nearly impossible for him to fall back asleep.
Every time we co-slept with a child, Mr. Z would inevitably wake up the next morning full of complaints, blaming the restless night on the child’s constant tossing and turning. But really, what child sleeps as still as a rock?
After enduring several such nights, and rolling my eyes more than a few times, I made a decision: unless the child is sick, he/she is going to sleep in their own bed.
Though it meant getting up whenever they cried, soothing them for a while, I trained myself to stay in a state of semi-consciousness so that I could fall back asleep as soon as I lay down again.
Because they had been sleeping in their own bed since infancy, the transition to sleeping in their own room when they got older was unbelievably smooth.
Giving the child their own bed (their own room)
In preparation for the arrival of our second child, we deliberately sought out a new place with two bedrooms, hoping to use this opportunity to teach our eldest daughter to sleep in her own room. Nervous about the transition, I specifically asked friends for advice on how to help her face this change.
Even before the move, we began excitedly telling her that she would soon have her very own room, emphasizing that this meant she would need to sleep in it by herself. But we also reassured her, explaining that Mom and Dad’s room would be just down the hall, and she could come find us anytime.
On the first night in our new home, I was still worried she wouldn’t adjust, so after turning off the lights, I lay down beside her in bed. Five minutes passed, and just as I began to wonder how long I’d have to stay with her, her quiet little voice broke the silence: “Mom, you can go now. I want to sleep!”
Whether it was the mental preparation we had done with her or simply her nature, she adapted quickly and easily. Ironically, it was I who was left feeling a bittersweet sense of loss, reluctant to let go!
Training independence can start with everyday tasks, like carrying their Own backpack.
From the very first day of kindergarten, carrying their own backpack became an unchanging rule.
The kindergarten we chose doesn’t provide meals, so half-day students need to bring their own snacks, while full-day students also need to bring lunch. As a result, the only thing in their backpack is their daily snack box, which is certainly not a burden to carry. Whenever they tried to be lazy and refused to carry their backpack, I would simply place it down right where we were standing and say, "Well then, we’ll just leave the backpack behind!"
Without fail, they would turn around, pick up their backpack, and accept their fate by carrying it themselves.
When adults start training children to handle small tasks on their own, this sense of independence gradually takes root.
Encouraging children to start picking up their toys, doing chores, and preparing simple meals at an appropriate age can, though demanding time and patience from adults in the process, lead to a much easier life in just a few years.
Before our children reached school age, we actively trained them to clean up their own toys. (I’ve shared my experience in a previous post: Parenting | Gradually Cultivating the Habit of Cleaning Up Toys).
Mr. Z, who enjoys cooking, would often involve the kids in the kitchen whenever time allowed on weekends. He taught them how to roll dough for Indian roti and pizza dough, and made them help out with baking.
I’m fairly brave, so whenever the children showed interest in helping out in the kitchen, I would start them off with a butter knife to practice cutting vegetables. When they were eager to wash dishes, I would select unbreakable plates and bowls for them to start learning.
Doing household chores is a vital life skill that will accompany them throughout their lives. I’ve noticed that through chores, children not only develop motor skills but also build a sense of responsibility, accomplishment, and love for their home.
However, tailoring chores to their individual personalities is key. Our eldest daughter, an Aquarius, tends to sweep the floor with a somewhat careless attitude. We would then remind her to open her eyes, focus, and make sure she’s actually cleaning the floor thoroughly.
Our younger daughter, a Virgo, could spend ten minutes just cleaning up the area around the dining table. Once she feels she’s done a good job, we don’t nitpick or scrutinize to see if she’s missed any spots.
As for our son, the middle child, we have to guide him through every step of sweeping; otherwise, he thinks that merely holding a broom and dustpan and tapping them on the floor counts as sweeping!
But, as parents, we must yake a deep breath and remind ourselves to "give our children time.
As we carry out various activities to train our children to be independent, we need to constantly remind ourselves that children are just children. Their movements are naturally slower than an adult's, and their thoughts are less thorough. We can’t always step in and take over when they’re not quick enough.
A friend of mine, also a mother, once shared with me that she always allocates an extra twenty minutes to prepare before leaving the house. This way, she can give her children enough time to get ready and avoid any unforeseen incident that may arise before heading out.
As we teach our children the life skills they need, we as adults must also learn to slow down, to be present with them as they grow, step by step.
In the next article, I’d like to share how independent training can progress once children reach school age.
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