抱怨(下)
Change
"Ah, it's really annoying," I thought. I'm glad my darling cares so much about me, putting in the time to plan.
But that's not what I'm after.
What I want is "kiss, hug, lift high."
What I want is to be "comforted."
"Are you a typical straightforward guy?"
Your vibe is like a classic straight-shooter. Super direct, no frills. It's a bit tricky for me because I need a more nuanced approach. How do I get it across that I'm not just talking on the surface? You gotta get why I vent – it's all about getting some comfort from you.
It reminds me of when Kaka complained that Bella is a typical straightforward guy. There's a classic straight guy in my home too!
My sweetheart Unhappy
Both of us are kinda bummed out.
"I put in so much time helping you, why the long face?"my sweetheart felt innocent.
"I've done my best to sort out your issues,"my honey said a bit impatiently.
"I've broken down your boss's behavior and communication style for you,"my sweetheart said with a mournful face.
"I've even schooled you on how to handle it,"my honey snapped.
I've gone above and beyond for you, so why the sour mood? Feels like my efforts are going unnoticed! While you're fuming, I'm pretty ticked off too."
From my perspective
My baby is really feeling upset, but from where I stand, I think it makes sense that I'm a bit mad. I'm not picking a fight for no reason or intentionally causing trouble.
"Obviously, I'm not thrilled!" I thought.
"Who starts a conversation with logic?"
"How annoying it is!"
"We're all about emotions, not just pure logic."
" Our culture thrives on feelings, not just rationality."
You've gotta address my emotions first, then we can dive into logic. That's when I'll actually listen. Start with logic, and I'm tuning out.
The more logical, the more irritated I get because my emotions are being ignored.
No words exchanged, just a chilly silence.
No arguments either. But we just stared at each other, not saying a word.
The next day
The next day, things were a bit better on the next day. We started talking. "Why were you upset yesterday?"
"Because you didn't give me hugs, kisses, so I was pretty annoyed."
"You missed the point. "
"So, you weren't focused on solving the problem?" my darling asked, looking puzzled.
"Yeah, I'm all about emotional support, not problem-solving," I pouted.
"Oh! Why didn't you say so earlier? How was I supposed to know what you wanted?" my honey calmly said.
"Fine! Next time, I'll spell it out. I'm feeling upset and need hugs, kisses, lifting, and back rubs for comfort." After giving babe a kiss, I said that.
Thanks, babe
Thanks, babe. So, from then on, I barely complained, unless it was genuinely about solving a problem. Otherwise, I usually just cling to honey and say, "Hugs, kisses, lift me up."
Hurry up, comfort me.
Cooing,
More cooing,
Even more cooing,
Endless cooing—five-year-old 清月 is online.
Come on, give me some TLC (tender loving care). Feeling a bit down and could use some sweet talk, emotional soothing, and an uplift. Quick, plant one on me, cheer me up, crack a joke, and wrap me in a hug – let's turn this mood around and get me smiling."
Behind the scenes
"If I actually lift you up, you'll start complaining about pain again," my babe chuckled.
"Then just give me kisses, hugs, and back rubs," I said.
"Sure, sure, sure," my darling said, looking into my eyes.
Life's Lessons
This whole thing got me thinking about the novels I used to read back in my college days, like Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. There's this quote that stuck with me:
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."
"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
"And yours, " he replied with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them."
I aimed to shake off the scars from my family's background through education, but...
Maybe it's because getting scolded always came with a side of getting smacked when I was a kid – that's probably why I can't stand critiques. Criticism is just the storm before the downpour. When faced with it, my brain switches to either "fight" or "flight" mode.
As I got older, hearing others talk smack about me, even if it was genuine, well-meant advice, would instantly make me feel repulsed. I'm just like Darcy believed, carrying this inborn flaw that not even the top-notch education can fix.
However, just like Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice, love taught me how to see the real deal in the midst of all that pride and prejudice.
It's like what Darcy said: "...You taught me a lesson, hard at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled."
Figuring out my true self and that of others might be a struggle, a painful process, but hey, it's all about gaining or learning.
Big shoutout to this lesson for hitting me in the feels.
You know the saying, "朝聞道，夕死可矣"
改變
愛抱怨的我，遇到了一個人。
他讓我改掉了愛抱怨的習慣
就是
我家寶貝啦！
因為我家寶貝真的太認真了
我跟他抱怨我遇到的上司A
他就開始分析上司A的說話方式、個性、行為
開始幫我規劃解決方法
Plan A, Plan B, Plan C
告訴我可以有的應對方式A, B, C
「啊！真的好煩」我想
我很高興他這麼為我著想，花很多時間幫我規劃東、規劃西、規劃南、規劃北
但我要的不是這個
我要的是「親親、抱抱、舉高高」
我要的是「哄哄」
都不高興
他看我不高興，他也挺不高興
覺得為我花了那麼多時間，他那麼用心
給了我那麼多解決方案
為什麼幫我解決了問題，我還不開心？
但我覺得
「我當然不開心啊！」
「哪有人一上來就講道理?」好煩喔他
「我們是由情入理的民族ㄟ，我們的文化氛圍不是由理入理的」
尤其是越熟的人，越不會直接上來就和你講道理。
你直接上來就講道理──我會以為你是在批評我！
我最討厭別人批評了，馬上開啟大腦「戰」或「逃」的開關
要先安撫我的情緒，然後再講道理。我才聽得進去
你第一句就講道理，後面我當然聽不進去。
講的越有道理我越不高興ㄟ
因為我的情緒被忽略了
沒有開始講話，冷場中
也沒有吵架
但我們就盯著彼此，不說話
隔天
到了隔天，我們情緒都好點了。
開始溝通
「你昨天為什麼不開心？」
因為你昨天沒有親親抱抱舉高高，所以我挺火的，你搞錯重點了
「所以你的重點不是解決問題？」他一臉疑惑的問
「對，我的重點是情感支持，不是解決問題啦。」我開始嘟嘴巴
「喔！那你早說嗎，你不說我怎麼知道你要什麼。」他平靜地說道
「好啦！下次就跟你說，我很委屈，我要親親抱抱舉高高、摸背背求安慰。」我親了一下他之後說道
學到了，和他就是直接說我要的是什麼
感謝寶貝
所以，此後，我就很少抱怨了
除非是真的要解決問題
否則，我通常就是掛在他身上，直接跟他說
「親親、抱抱、舉高高」
快點哄我
哄哄
哄哄哄
哄哄哄哄
五歲的清月上線中 (￣▽￣)/
幕後花絮
「真的把你舉起來，你又會抱怨身體痛了」他苦笑
「那就親親、抱抱、摸背背。」我說 ヾ(´ε`ヾ)
「好好好」他看著我的眼睛 真誠地說道
這堂人生課程
這個事件讓我想到大學的時候讀的小說，珍．奧斯汀(Jane Austen)的傲慢與偏見Pride and Prejudice 裡面的一段話
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."
男主角 Darcy說：「我相信，在我們天性中都存在著一種缺陷，即使最好的教育也無法克服的天生缺陷。」
"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
女主角Elizabeth說：「而你的缺陷是傾向討厭每個人。」
"And yours, " he replied with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them."
男主角 Darcy：「而你的，」他帶著一絲微笑回答，「是故意誤解他們。」
我想要藉由教育擺脫我原生家庭帶來的傷害，但是......
可能是因為小時候批評常常伴隨著挨揍，所以我很討厭聽到批評──那代表著我要挨揍了
批評是風暴的前奏
當遇到批評時，我會開啟腦內「戰」或「逃」的選項
長大之後，聽到別人講我不好，即使是真誠的、善意的建議，我也會第一時間趕到厭惡。
我就像是男主角Darcy相信的那樣，天性中有一種自然的缺陷，這種缺陷即使是最好的教育都無法克服。
可能我就是男主角Darcy?!
但是，人生變化莫測。我其實也沒想到會遇到人生中的貴人
就像是傲慢與偏見的Darcy和Elizabeth，愛情教會了我，如何在傲慢與偏見中，認識真正的對方，就像是Darcy說的
"... You taught me a lesson, hard at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled."
「你幫我上了一堂人生課程，初時難以領悟、很痛苦，但對我卻大有裨益。因為你，我學會了謙卑。」
雖然在認識真正的自己和對方時，很掙扎，很痛苦，但是
我們不是得到，就是學到。
感謝這一課帶給我的感受
朝聞道，夕死可矣
