突然想來練英翻：The Cycle of the Conflicted Self 《另一個善辯的我》【阿迪亞香提的影片】

英語大家都不陌生。

說它貼近生活，其實又相當遙遠。經常聽見、看見，可多數時候不怎麼放在心上。學生時代經常狂記英單，尤其在校車上努力準備早自習安排的英文小考，到校後，一邊避免遲到而快步於走廊上，一邊還拿著字卡在默背。

一畢業再也沒有人逼迫，便對它日漸冷落。雖然還算喜歡英文，但總是親近不起來。最後沒有持續接觸的結果就是語文能力卡在不上不下的位置，就像久沒使用而積在櫃子深處的舊物，還覺棄之可惜。

。。。

最近看了余光中的書讓我感覺自己是對「翻譯」有興趣的，我的外文程度應該是一般人的平均值，至少畢業門檻有過，論文也曾嘗試以英文書寫，不過當然是十多年前的事了，因此絕對沒有外文專業人士的水準。

翻譯牽涉到兩種文化，很多時候直譯的文章可能無法精準地還原原文文化的氛圍與意涵，一旦碰到諧音或歷史典故的隱喻更是提高翻譯的挑戰性。不過我覺得這非常有趣！

我喜歡日本動漫，也喜歡歐美電影，可能跟許多人一樣，對日文和英文都頗有好感，但涉及語言學習的投入時，便很容易半途而廢，就像買了新衣回家，卻穿不到幾次。

。。。

母語是中文的我們十分幸運，從小就接觸了世界公認困難的語言，除此之外，中文敘寫的方式簡直是多采多姿，我猜想中文會不會是最優美動人又最多元豐富的語言！

比如余光中曾提到英文的「被動語句」若要翻譯成中文，就有「受、讓、給、遭、挨、教、為、任」等許多選擇，因此在挑選或呈現時便有各式各樣的可能性。《焚鶴人》一書中就曾拿一句詩作進行了四種譯作，意思其實都有到位，感受上卻有不同。反之，英文的變化大概沒有那麼多。

有時這就牽涉到譯者的寫作風格，作者甚至覺得那些特別認真的翻譯作品其實已經稱得上是一種「創作」。我想這也是中文母語者的privilege，福利。

。。。

最近開始閱讀中文作者的書籍後，赫然發現手中這幾位中文造詣深厚的作家如余光中、傅佩榮與余秋雨皆是外文的佼佼者，前兩位也都有翻譯著作，三位的共通點則都很喜歡哲學，看來文學院系所間的關係似乎蠻密切的！

余光中也提到自己年輕時就讀了不少英美文學，但真的在為師備課時才是學到最多的，這也讓我興起透過主動練習翻譯來加強英文的想法。加上身為內向的邊緣人，沒什麼機會與能力和他人進行語言交流，說不定這會是適合我的學習方式。

我無意要以翻譯為志，可以說是一時興起的業餘喜好，連自己都不敢保證三分鐘熱度的INFP性格究竟會讓這件事持續多久。既然不知道，也只能先做再說，試試水溫。最主要是當一句英文終於讓我找到一句心滿意足的中翻時，那種爽感難以言喻。

。。。

由於我也喜歡心靈相關的主題，之前也拜讀過作者的一本著作《空性之舞》，並分享在第九集podcast中。心靈導師Adyashanti正巧也有開設YouTube頻道，影片還附有英文cc字幕，於是我靈機一動便決定來試著翻譯看看其中一部影片，並感受英文與中文間的火花，同時讓自己浸潤到語言當中。

為了提升速度，並確保基本翻譯的正確性，我先從影片資訊欄中複製字幕的轉譯稿，然後丟到chatGPT上翻譯，這麼看來，說不定我的行為更像是潤稿與整理，並用我喜歡的文句來書寫。總之能夠藉此練習英文、琢磨中文、學習心靈內容，並分享給大家，還是好處多多。

前情提要聊到這邊，總算要進入翻譯的主題！我保留了原先的英文字幕，如果有翻譯不佳的地方，至少還有原文輔助供參，尤其靈性的主題可能也牽涉到我個人的主觀看法，但仍希望大家樂在其中。（這篇的閱讀時間看起來有點驚人應該只是假象！）

《The Cycle of the Conflicted Self》

《虛假自我的輪迴》

一、呼喚

in its really authentic form or forms

在自身真正本質的狀態裡，

because it can take many different forms

它能以各式各樣無常的型態呈現，

but spirituality is really the calling from something very very deep within

但靈性上其實就是內在非常非常深層的呼喚，

it's a calling from part of our being or the greater part of our being

即來自我們某部分自我或更高存在的呼喚。

which is actually trying to find its way through all the the

intricate layers of complication

它試圖從錯綜複雜的意識層面找到自己的出路，

that the sort of egoic mind is seems to be constantly creating

然而個人的心智不斷在創造出自我，

and one of the challenges of spirituality is to kind of keep connected with the root of it

於是靈性上的挑戰之一就是要保持與根源的連結，

where with its point of origination inside of you

即內在的源頭。

the reason that be so important is so that the the spiritual impulse itself

這很重要的理由是如此一來當靈光乍現時，

doesn't get sort of hijacked by all the agendas of sort of the conflicted self really

便不會輕易被另一個能言善辯的自我給抵制，

which often reaches out for quick answers and temporary fixes and temporary satisfactions

且不落於求快求便與短暫的自我滿足，

and often just kind of skims upon the surface of our experience

尤其通常作用僅是蜻蜓點水，點到為止。

* * * * *

二、拉扯

the conflict itself is really even though it can feel like it has very deep roots sometimes within you

有時內在另一個矛盾的自己即使看似和根源連結很深，

it actually is a very surface part of our experience

實際上它只是我們體驗中相當表面的部分。

it's a particularly compelling part of experience

它令人難以抗拒，

because the more confused something is

因為當混亂程度越嚴重，

the more divided it is

它就越分裂，

the more compelling it is

也就越引人注目。

it almost has a sort of psychological gravitational force to it

它幾乎有種如重力般的拉力，在心理上造成影響，

conflict and certainly our sort of personal dramas they have this sort of gravitational force

那些衝突以及無疑是我們個人編造的戲劇化故事就有這種引力，

which keeps just pulling attention in almost a very impersonal way

以一種幾乎非個人的力量持續吸引我們的關注，

in the same way that the gravity that all holds all of our bodies to the Earth is an impersonal force

如同外部地球抓牢我們的身體。

the conflicted self is kind of it produces so much angst in all these various forms

充滿衝突的自我在變幻無常中引起許多的焦慮，

and this whole world of angst that it creates is very sort of dramatic

且焦慮的情緒造作出相當戲劇化的一切，

and it has a very dense kind of gravitational pull and that's one of the things that anybody is actually in a certain sense competing with for attention

加上前述的拘束力讓任何人在某種程度上相信其中一則故事。

* * * * *

三、注意力

because our attention is really our most prized commodity that we have

實際上，我們所擁有的注意力是我們最寶貴的資產，

it's the most important aspect of us

它是我們最重要的部份，

and what we're doing with our attention and where we're putting our attention

包括我們如何使用注意力，以及把注意力放在哪裡。

and in spirituality in one manner of speaking is the act or a kind of conscious use of our attention

靈性上可以理解為有意識地去使用我們的注意力，

a conscious use of our consciousness

有意識地使用我們的意識，

a conscious use of our awareness

有意識地使用我們的覺知。

in other words what are we doing with this most basic and most fundamental aspect of our being which is our awareness our consciousness

也就是問我們用自身最根本與基礎的面向做了些什麼？

what are we doing with it where are we putting it

如何使用意識與覺知？

where is it abidingand where is our intention

注意力又停留在哪裡？

this is the heart of any or many spiritual practices

這是任何抑或許多靈性練習的核心內容，

this is something that so often people don't even think about

很多人經常沒有考慮到這個部份，

they don't even consider it's part of the density of the gravitational force of the conflicted self or the false self

完全忽略了充滿衝突或虛假的自我所帶來的束縛性，

it's sort of this dense gravitational force to where you can go through all of life

於是不由自主地就這樣度過一生，

simply trying to solve one internal state of sorrow one disaster after another

而且純粹只是在解決一個又一個內在的問題，

and it just seems to never end

甚至看起來停不下來。

* * * * *

四、輪迴

in fact if our attention remains captive to that dimension of experience

顯然如果我們的注意力始終受限於這種狀況，

then it is endless

這個過程將會永不停歇，

because it's cyclic

因為它會反復出現，

you deal with one thing

當你解決一個問題之後，

only to deal with the next thing

下一個又會再來，

and the next thing and the next thing

接著又會再有下一個。

and it just has a sort of cyclic endless nature

根本上它就是無窮的迴圈，

I suppose that's why the Buddha referred to it as the the wheel of samsara

我想這就是為什麼佛陀稱它為輪迴。

this sort of cyclic turning of a wheel it's not a straight line

這種反覆輪轉的狀態不是線性的，

it doesn't actually arrive at a destination

最後它不會抵達某個終點。

the wheel of samsara which is really the wheel of a kind of needless suffering

輪迴完全是不必要的痛苦，

that if our attention is held captive by this cyclic movement of internal conflict

但如果我們的注意力深陷在這種不停重複的自我衝突裡，

it remains held captive and the cyclic nature of it just keeps going

它會無間斷地繼續下去，

it goes and goes and goes

萬劫不復。

* * * * *

五、修練

often not always

不一定總是如此，

but often people kind of come to a real authentic spirituality when they may have worked on themselves for a long period of time or a short period of time

不過一般人通常在自我精進一段時間後會開始察覺精神面的本質。

and they start to get on to the fact that even though a kind of working on oneself can be a perfectly legitimate

他們會開始認知到即便自我修練聽起來很合理，

and at times very necessary thing to do

有時也非常必要實行，

that if our attention stays solely within that domain

但如果我們的注意力只放在這裡，

then there's always the next thing

又將開始出現下一個問題。

in other words we're always working and working on arriving somewhere all the time

也就是說我們總是努力想抵達某個目的地，

supposing that if we work on ourselves enough

並設想只要我們足夠努力，

we'll get to this place where we won't have to work on ourselves anymore

有一天我們就能不用再努力。

and a lot of times people that have done a lot of that work

多數時候進行一定的努力之後，

a lot of times their real deep spiritual life starts when they worked on themselves to a certain extent

人便會進入深刻的靈性生活，

and they start to see the cyclic nature of it

也會開始觀察到反復無常的本質。

although it can have some important effects

雖然自我修練能帶來關鍵的益處，

in other words it can relieve a certain amount of sorrow and angst and suffering

它能夠緩解悲傷、焦慮與痛苦，

but there always seems to be sort of the next layer and the next layer

但似乎總有一個個層次不一的問題又隨之而來。

even though that kind of work can be very important at a certain point

某些情況下自我修練依然很重要，

if we have all of our attention occupied in that domain of human existence

但如果我們的注意力全聚焦在身為人的這個面向，

then we start to realize at a certain point that it's very cyclic

我們就會逐漸意識到這也是無限循環的，

it just kind of keeps keeps going

它會不斷地重複發生。

there's always the next thing about oneself to improve upon

畢竟我們永遠都能找到可以讓自己變得更好的課題 。

* * * * *

六、體認

so there's sort of a this point of balance in a manner of speaking

相對而言存在著某種平衡點，

but before I get to that

但在談到那之前，

I'll just mention that when we start to realize this sort of cyclic nature

我先提一下當我們開始意識到這種反復無常的特性時，

it just the recognition of it

僅僅是將它辨識出來。

having lived through it enough

而經歷多次過後，

the recognition of it can start to free up attention

這樣的體認漸漸能鬆開原先注意力的限制。

when we start to wonder is there something more than this endless project

當我們開始疑惑是否有除了這種演不完的情節以外的事物時，

then turning myself into an endless project of Improvement

接著又讓自己投入在沒完沒了的自我修練項目中。

as I said the balance point

剛剛提到了平衡點，

in a sense is even though that can be important

自我修練在某種意義上具有一定的重要性，

and provide usefulness in life to a certain point

也能在生活中發揮一定程度的效用，

they're also simultaneously comes with it a kind of recognition

同時也帶來一種認識。

it does have a quality to it that's endless

不過它仍有永無止境的特性，

that does have a quality to it that has a sort of familiar repetitive feeling to it

仍有重複不斷的特性。

and that's when consciousness that's when our attention starts to become available to something else

然而此時我們的注意力已慢慢轉向，

that's when our attention becomes available to dive into something inside of ourselves

始有餘裕探入自身內在，

that's much deeper than all that

那將比方才所說的都要更加深入。

翻譯完成了！意外地開心與滿足！

Adyashanti的原影片連結在這：https://youtu.be/SgBWzjMZKoU?si=XWmQNlhFxXFM2Rl0

突然感覺英文聽力變好了！😆

我發現好好活著，聆聽自己的聲音，原本那些內在的渴望原來都已經實現了。

它不著痕跡，也和想像中的不太一樣，但竟然確確實實發生了。