Show up的理由，早晨前行的目的地

早上8點半，我整裝往城市西邊的WeWork出發，就像還在工作時一樣。街上的人們看起來都像是要去上班，我穿的也是我平日上班的裝束，合身的皮衣、腳踩黑色低跟鞋背著Tumi的包包，我感覺自己完美融入這城市的脈搏。

這樣的規律讓我感到心安，好像我依然在軌道上一樣。脫離工作的軌道的感覺其實比想像中還要困難，不只是如何對外溝通自我角色，內在的自我認知、成就感來源，被工作制約的我們一下子多了從沒有過的時間和做任何事的自由，卻發覺自己好像什麼也做不了。

脫離工作的前兩個月是最開心的時候，這樣的喘息其實是一般人在一段時間的高壓工作後都會需要的正常抒發。當時我正在倫敦旅遊，倫敦正值最美的夏日、見了好多朋友，之後又去了波多，坐在岸邊看海，大啖海鮮一不小心就灌了三壺白酒Sangria，狠狠地享受了一段純粹放空的時光。差不多從第三個月開始，會想要回到一個軌道、一個規律的作息，開始為自己設下可以看著往前的目標，畢竟人其實終究都還是需要目標。我像在公司上班時一樣幫自己設了季度目標，設了OKR，把一切放在Linear，自己盯著自己進度。後來有沒有完成是一回事，自己工作的生活像待在一個沒有回音的空間，你只有你和你自己，沒有共事者、沒有反饋，你不屬於一個群體，沒有人或組織需要你。 你好像在世界上游移著，You are out and alone on your own.

我看著路旁的一個中年印度人，穿著一身不合時宜的西裝，手提公事包邊走邊一邊抽菸。比起歐洲的普遍，抽菸在北美是個faux pas，尤其這種傳統的非電子煙其實並不常見，而且哪有人一早就開抽的啦。他面無表情地走進路邊的Scotia Bank，掏出鑰匙開門，準備開始一天的工作日程。他渾身散發著一種槁木死灰的感覺，我好像在他身上看到了我最不想活成的樣子。我好奇是那份工作需要他，還是其實是他需要那份工作更多呢？這樣看似百般無聊的工作卻給了一般人生活的規律和意義。我知道那份工作絕對沒給他多少錢，工作內容絕對也不會多有趣，但那份工作給了他日復一日show up的理由，早晨前行的目的地。

------- 對我而言，英文語境別有一番韻味。以下為我將文章以英文呈現：

8:30 in the morning, I set out for the WeWork on the west side of the city, just as I would if I were still working. The people on the streets all looked like they were heading to work, and I was dressed in my usual work attire - a fitted leather jacket, black low-heeled shoes, and carrying my Tumi bag. I felt like I blended perfectly into the city's rhythm.

This routine gave me a sense of comfort, as if I were still on track. The feeling of being derailed from work is actually more challenging than I had imagined. It's not just about how to communicate your role to others; it's about internal self-perception and sources of accomplishment. We've been so conditioned by work that when we suddenly have more time and freedom than ever before, we find ourselves unable to do much of anything.

The first two months after leaving work were the happiest. This kind of respite is actually something most people need after a period of high-pressure work - a normal release. I was traveling in London at the time, experiencing the city at its most beautiful summer. I met many friends, then went to Porto, sat by the shore watching the sea, indulged in seafood, and accidentally downed three jugs of white Sangria, thoroughly enjoying a period of pure relaxation. Around the third month, I started wanting to get back into a routine, a regular schedule, to set goals I could visibly progress towards. After all, people ultimately need goals. I set quarterly objectives for myself, just like I did at work, established OKRs, put everything in Linear, and monitored my own progress. Whether I actually completed them is another matter. Working for yourself is like being in a room without an echo - it's just you and yourself, no colleagues, no feedback. You don't belong to a group; no person or organization needs you. You seem to drift through the world. You are out and alone on your own.

I watched a middle-aged Indian man on the sidewalk, wearing an ill-fitting suit, carrying a briefcase, walking and smoking. Unlike in Europe where it's common, smoking in North America is a faux pas, especially traditional non-electronic cigarettes which are quite rare. And also - who would start smoking so early in the morning!? He walked into a Scotia Bank on the street with an expressionless face, took out his key to open the door, ready to start his workday. He exuded a sense of utter lifelessness - I felt like I was seeing in him what I least wanted to become. I wondered, is it the job that needs him, or is it actually him who needs the job more? This seemingly mundane life gives ordinary people routine and meaning. I know that job probably doesn't pay him much, and the work itself is unlikely to be very interesting. But that job gives him a reason to show up day after day, a destination to head towards every morning.