喪禮 Funeral

That morning,

I rolled out of bed at 5:50. Hopped on the first MRT, figuring 6:00 AM would be a ghost town. Turns out, I was wrong – the place was buzzing.

Got off at Taipei Main Station, snagged a ticket for the Tze-Chiang Limited Express. Found out Taoyuan and Zhongli ain't the same deal.

Lesson learned.

panyawat auitpol on Unsplash

Stepmother

A few days ago, I attended my cousin's funeral and encountered my stepmother.

Flashback to the first time we met – I was 18, she seemed around 36. The day they dropped the marriage bomb, I casually dropped, "You sure about this? The dude has a track record of laying hands on wives and kids." "Marry my pops, and I bet you're in for a ride."

She just chuckles and goes, "No worries! I can handle your dad, and we've got kids – seems marriage is the next logical step."

Fast forward a bit, and I accidentally discover my stepmom's got her own pad in Taichung. Pops? Well, he's kicking it in Kaohsiung.

Lesson learned: in a marriage, you gotta have your own turf, just like my stepmom. Unhappy? Bounce back to Taichung and do your own thing, no need to deal with my dad. Thank the stars this aunt's got some backbone. Had enough of stepmoms putting up with nonsense and staying put!

Now, this lady's a riot. "Why haven't you swung by?" she hits me with the puppy dog eyes.

"Hey, when you've got some free time, swing over to Taichung and let's kick it," she suggests.

She's gold

Stepmom's the real deal – cute, funny, and we're shooting the breeze. I ask her how things are with my old man, if he's giving her a hard time.

She spills, "Scorpios, man – stubborn and tricky."

I probe, "He getting physical?"

She said, "Not at all."

"Oh, that's unusual. "

Looks like my old man's not throwing punches anymore; he's really showing his age.

Maybe it's 'cause, stepmom, you're this big, beefy powerhouse – all tall and strong. He probably sized you up and figured he wouldn't stand a chance, so that's why he didn't throw down, right? (The thoughts I secretly muttered to myself, I didn't say to my stepmother directly.)

"Chill, chill. "

"We just compete to see who can hang up the phone faster."

Haha, hearing about the day-to-day banter between my stepmom and pops gives me a sense of peace. If only my mom could take a page from this lady's book – stand on her own, be happy without needing a man.

If she's not feeling it,

Just hit that hang-up button. Haha!

Situation

So, I'm shooting the breeze with my stepmom about the whole father-daughter dynamic, and I lay it out there.

"It's pretty messed up, you know! There's no way I've got a good thing going on with my dad."

"Oh, really? Couldn't tell," she throws back.

"Uh..."

Okay, let me spill some childhood beans, and you'll get why it's a bit of a train wreck. Check out the last bit for the juicy deets.

Gotta give a shoutout to my dad's sisters for keeping him alive. Back in the day, my aunts would slide me some cash now and then, dropping lines like,

"Why are you so scrawny? Is your dad not feeding you properly?"

"Uh... probably," I'd shrug.

It's wild, right? People out here caring if I'm getting my grub on!

I used to low-key look forward to my aunts giving me the time of day during Chinese New Year. It was like a mini oasis.

Someone actually giving a hoot about me! Well, thank the stars for my aunts.

I used to be all about those chats with my aunts as a kid. Kinda like that Emily Elizabeth Dickinson vibe, you know?

Emily Elizabeth Dickinson埃米莉·伊莉莎白·狄更生

Hope is the thing with feathers (詩名：希望是長羽飄動的事物)

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

When folks start looking forward to something, when they're holding onto hope, they get this vibe that the world can still roll on.

So, I didn't throw hands.

Traveling back

If I rewind to my elementary days, I'd probably toss a recommendation to my mom: 魯迅《祝福》 and Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House." That leading lady in "A Doll's House"? She's gold. She sees through men's BS(bullshit), clocks the whole marriage and societal roles trap, hunts for her own worth, and ultimately bails on the family scene, chasing independence and freedom. It's like a 19th-century mic drop on societal limits for women. Ibsen dives into marriage, freedom, and society's grip on individuals, showcasing women hustling for independence and self-governance –

Shouting out the female awakening.

If my mom had laid eyes on these two books back when I was rocking second grade, chances are she wouldn't have been thinking about taking a leap off a building with us. She'd likely have morphed into this independent, self-sufficient woman, and split with my dad way sooner.

She could've rolled like my stepmom now – handling her business, owning her mental space, and living the good life.

Matchmaking Holy smokes!

Today's a funeral day, and my aunt's still playing matchmaker with me. Can we keep it real here?

Let's not focus on the living, okay?

Do I really need to drop a bombshell today?!

Conclusion

Zero regrets showing up here. I didn't swing by for my cousin; it's all about checking on my aunt. I'm vibing with the idea that people kick the bucket like snuffed-out lamps, and I'm on board with Epicurus' groove. He's all about everything being atom-made, including us – body and soul. When we check out, it's atom party time. Oddly cool, right? He thinks death isn't a personal struggle because once you're six feet under, you're blissfully unaware, and awareness is the root of all headaches. So, death is basically a zero-fuss status for individuals.

So, I only pop into funerals for the living, not the dead.

If I'm only showing up when folks are pushing up daisies, I might as well be a bit nicer when they're alive. That's my life's 411.

Anyway, I gave my aunt a hug, hoping she bounces back from the emotional rollercoaster real soon.

片段

那天，我早上5:50起床。搭上第一班捷運，我原本以為早上6:00的捷運應該很少人，沒想到，人還挺多的。

搭到台北車站，買了自強號

原來桃園和中壢是不一樣的站

學到了

台鐵車票

繼母

前幾天，我去我表姊的喪禮，遇到了我的繼母。

還記得，遇到她的第一天，我18歲。她那時候好像是36歲？

我記得那個男人說他們要結婚的時候，我一臉冷淡地和她說

「你確定？這男人會打老婆打小孩。」

「妳嫁給我爸，我怕你會被欺負。」

她那時候笑笑的說：「不會啦！我不會被你爸欺負的，何況都有小孩了，不結婚好像不行。」

婚後不知道多久，我偶然知道我繼母自己住台中。

我爸住高雄。

我想，結婚一定要有自己的房子，就像我繼母一樣，不高興就回台中自己住，不需要理我爸。萬幸，這次的阿姨個性比較強硬。我真是受夠了被打還不離開的阿姨了！

可愛又幽默的女性 She's gold

「你怎麼沒有來找我？」我繼母擺出幽怨臉

「ㄟ~ 有空來台中找我玩啊。」她說

我繼母真的好幽默，我們聊得很開心

我問她說她最近和我爸還好嗎？我爸有沒有欺負她？

她說：「阿天蠍座就那樣拉！又固執又難搞。」

我問：「我爸有動手嗎？」

她說：「這倒是沒有。」

「喔！這倒是奇特，看來他真的老了?」

「安啦安啦，你不要擔心。反正就比誰掛電話比較快。」哈哈哈，聽到我繼母和我爸的日常互動，覺得安心。如果我媽像這位阿姨這樣就好了，自立自強，不需要一定要有男人也能活得很開心。

不爽就掛他電話

哈哈哈！

和我爸的關係

我和我繼母聊到我和我爸的關係，我直言

「很不好啊！我怎麼可能和我爸關係好」

「是喔，看不出來ㄟ。」我繼母說

「ㄜ......」

好吧，我講一下我小時候發生的事情你就知道為什麼不好了。聊著聊著，我們提到了之前我陪我姊一起幹的事情──詳情請看上一篇

我爸還活著真的要感謝他的姊妹，小時候我大姑小姑，偶爾會塞錢給我，並說類似以下的話

「你怎麼這麼瘦，你爸是不是沒有讓你好好吃飯。」

「ㄜ...... 大概吧」我回答

真的很震撼，這世界上居然還有人類在乎我有沒有吃飯！

居然有人會關心我ㄟ。好吧，還是讓我姑姑有哥哥吧！

期待

小時候希望過年趕快來，因為姑姑會找我講話

大概就像是Emily Elizabeth Dickinson埃米莉·伊莉莎白·狄更生的那首詩吧

Hope is the thing with feathers (詩名：希望是長羽飄動的事物)

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

希望是長羽飄動的事物， 栖息於靈魂之內， 唱著無言的旋律， 永不停息。在狂風中尤為悠揚；

當人開始期盼一件事情

當人開始懷抱希望

就覺得這世界

還可以繼續存在

所以

我沒有動手

如果回到小學

我會推薦我媽看魯迅的《祝福》和易卜生(Henrik Ibsen)的《玩偶之家》。我喜歡玩偶之家的女主角，她看透了男人的虛偽，意識到自己被束縛在婚姻和社會的角色中，尋找著自己的價值，最終選擇離開家庭，追求自己的獨立、自由。這部戲劇被視為揭示了19世紀末社會對女性角色的限制。易卜生在這部作品中探討了婚姻、自由、和社會期望對個體的影響，呈現了女性尋找獨立和自主的努力──強調了女性的覺醒。

如果我回到過去，給我媽看了這兩部作品，她應該就不會帶著我們(我當時小二)想要去跳樓卻沒跳下去，還繼續跟著我爸生活，真是太愚蠢了！

她應該就會和我繼母現在一樣，經濟、精神獨立、開開朗朗的活著。

催婚

天啊！今天是喪禮ㄟ

我姑姑還要給我介紹帥哥

可不可以嚴肅點，焦點不要放在活人身上好嗎！

難道我今天要出櫃？！

結論

我不後悔來到這裡

我不是來看我表姊的，我是來看我姑姑的，

我相信人死如燈滅，也相信伊壁鳩魯的說法

主張一切事物都是由原子所形成，包括人類的身體和靈魂。伊壁鳩魯認為，當人死亡時，身體和靈魂都將分解成原子。有趣的是，他認為死亡對於個體而言並不是一種痛苦，因為在死後，人們不再有知覺，而知覺是痛苦的根源。因此，他強調死亡對個體來說是無感的狀態。簡而言之是，當我們死去時，我們的靈魂或意識就消失了，不再存在，因此死亡對個體來說並不是一種需要擔憂的狀態。

所以，我去喪禮只會是因為活人，而不是死人

如果人死了才要去看她，我還不如在她活著的時候對她好一點，這是我的人生哲學。

總之，

我抱了一下我姑姑

希望她早日從情緒中走出來

前面

喪禮的第一篇─無常

喪禮的第二篇─表姊