育兒 Parenting | 如如不動 中篇 State of Calm: Part II (雙語寫作）

有一種說法是：「懶父母可以養得出獨立的孩子」。我覺得是種誤導。

應該換種說法：「懂得靜觀其變的父母，才能教出獨立的孩子」。

Max Goncharov on Unsplash

當懶父母太容易了。

我看過那種不出房門，一直叫她乖巧的女兒幫她去廚房倒杯水的媽媽。殊不知那位媽媽是缺乏觀察力還是單純無知，明明放冷水壺和水杯的地方與她女兒眼睛在同一高度，小女孩要獨立完成這項任務是有困難度的，所以倒水的責任就落到她永遠在廚房忙的婆婆，而她女兒就成了專業水杯快遞員。

幾年後，我見證了上述的媽媽果真把女兒訓練的很獨立。那女孩能幹得交代她什麼事，她都能做好，只不過，她的獨立背後靠得是自我堅強。她小時候活潑的性格不知道在什麼時候開始變化，長大後成了少女的她惜話如金、不擅長與人互動，獨自活在自己的世界裡自立自強。

訓練孩子獨立的背後，請不要為了一己之私。大人的出發心錯了，孩子長大了被誤導到哪個方向，多年後又該如何修正，會是一個更困難的習題。

訓練獨立不等於放孩子自生自滅。

大女兒第一次給弟弟做早餐

手把手帶領孩子有能力獨立完成各項技能，才是訓練獨立。

大女兒從六歲開始就會給小她五歲的弟弟準備早餐。第一次準備的早餐雖然麵包沒塗奶油，準備的餅乾也過多，但我們都很雀躍的表示很開心她會主動給弟弟準備早餐。

平時三不五時我們在幫她準備餐點時，會讓她到廚房幫忙，比如：在麵包上塗奶油、準備食材等。她對廚房的小事越來越熟稔，也建立了不同食材的基本知識後，她幫弟弟準備早餐的機率就越來越高，後來多了妹妹，做得更是上手。

我和Z先生在小女兒脫離配方奶後不久，三不五時可以在週末的早晨晚起，因為不再需要跟孩子同時起床替他們準備早餐。

每年聖誕節前的例行公事

在學齡前讓孩子學會簡單家事，如：洗碗、掃地、曬衣服、收衣服、收玩具等，在學齡後就可以輕易把一件家事交代一位孩子從頭到尾完成。

裝飾聖誕樹是我家孩子們都很喜歡做的事。我們都會把聖誕節的裝飾品收在同一個箱子裡，十二月初就會把箱子找出來，讓孩子自由決定聖誕樹和其他裝飾品要怎麼放。就算是兩個小的因為身高不夠，只能把聖誕樹的裝飾掛在他們可及之處，我和Z先生都不會干涉。

訓練獨立的過程中，一旦把一個任務全權交給孩子，就讓他們在能力所及的範圍裡完成。看得出孩子盡力做好了，大人就別再用自己的標準雞婆的加油添醋了。

我家兩個小的現在年齡分別是九歲和八歲，從幾個月前起發現，他們兩個可以獨立把洗碗機裡大部分的東西歸位後，這件家事就成了他們專屬的工作。一開始突然沒了姐姐發號司令，偶爾會吵架誰該做什麼，完成時間會拖到十五分鐘之久。

現在他們進化到我一請他們幫忙，就會聽到他們倆喊口號似的各自喊著誰負責什麼，然後快速的在五分鐘內完成任務。

三個小孩都被請去一起幫忙做蛋糕

我家老二和老三只相差十六個月，但辦事能力差很多。身為老二的哥哥，機動性明顯比能幹的處女座妹妹弱，加上他比較叫不動，所以有一段時間，只有妹妹和大很多歲的姐姐會常被交代做家事。

我後來發現這極其不公平後，開始強迫自己在心裡立個「排班表」，輪流交代家事，讓三個小孩都有學習的機會。雖然剛開始叫兒子做時，他苦，我也痛苦，因為他沒有小女兒自動判斷處理事情的能力。

小女兒是我觀察到第二個處女小女生，她們似乎天生內建了做家事基因，交代她們做家事時，通常不用教怎麼做。很神奇的，她們會很自然而然的做起來，又做得很好。

所以，請老二兒子做家事時，會誤以為同一公式也可行，然後才會很傻眼的發現，他不但毫無頭緒，而且效率極差。於是，每交代他一件新的家事就要一步步教，比如：掃地要教他，忙著掃這頭時，畚箕可以向放在另一邊才不礙事；掃完了一邊，先把椅子搬到一邊才能順利的掃另一邊。

還好老二的學習能力快，教導一、兩次掃地邏輯後，他就能應用在所有掃地的任務。但第一次交代他曬衣服任務時，就要把需注意事項一樣樣教一次。

Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

在育兒的過程裡，要享受最終可以「如如不動」翹腳喝茶，前提是要趁孩子小，就開始手把手一一教會他們各項能力。但過程中，要能適時的「如如不動」讓他們從錯誤中學習。

簡單來說，沒有人喜歡一邊做事一邊被不停的指正，所以我教導孩子家事的SOP是：

1. 在開始做前，先教一次怎麼做。
2. 孩子在做的過程中，盡量忍住不碎念、不干擾。除非發生嚴重錯誤，如：洗碗時，打破東西，那就要機會教育替孩子找出會出嚴重錯誤的原因及如何避免。
3. 完成時，指出需加強的地方。必要時，讓孩子重做或補做好後，才算完成任務。
4. 最後請記得給與孩子鼓勵、讚賞或感謝！

讓孩子真正學會獨立完成一件件事，累積起來的實力才是獨立的終極目標。

最後的一篇，繼續分享步入青少年的獨立又是另一個什麼境界。

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There’s a saying: "Lazy parents raise independent children." I find this misleading.

A more accurate way to put it would be: "Parents who understand how to observe patiently are the ones who can truly teach their children independence."

Being a lazy parent is far too easy.

I once saw a mother who, without leaving her room, repeatedly asked her obedient daughter to fetch a glass of water from the kitchen. The mother either lacked the observational skills or was simply unaware that the place where the cold water jug and glasses were kept was at eye level with her daughter, making the task difficult for the little girl. As a result, the responsibility of pouring the water often fell to the grandmother, who was always busy in the kitchen, while the daughter became a professional water-cup courier.

A few years later, I witnessed that same mother indeed train her daughter to be quite independent. The girl was competent and completed any task given to her, but her independence came from a place of self-reliance born out of necessity. Somewhere along the way, her once lively personality shifted. As a teenager, she spoke very little, struggled with social interaction, and lived in her own world, self-sufficient and detached.

When training children to be independent, it should never be for the sake of convenience. How can we correct the direction a child has been led astray years later if the adult’s motivation is misguided? This would become an even more challenging question to answer.

Training independence is not the same as leaving a child to fend for themselves.

Our oldest daughter made breakfast for her brother for the first time

Guiding children step by step to master various skills is the true essence of fostering independence.

Since the age of six, our eldest daughter has been preparing breakfast for her younger brother, who is five years her junior. The first time she did it, she forgot to spread butter on the bread and gave him too many cookies. But we were all thrilled and praised her for taking the initiative to make breakfast for her brother.

Occasionally, when we prepared meals, we’d ask her to help out in the kitchen—spreading butter on bread, preparing ingredients, and so on. As she became more familiar with these little kitchen tasks and built a basic knowledge of ingredients, she began to prepare breakfast for her brother more frequently. Later, when her younger sister came along, she became even more skilled at it.

Not long after our youngest daughter weaned off formula, Mr. Z and I found ourselves able to sleep in a bit on weekend mornings, no longer needing to wake up at the same time as the kids to prepare their breakfast.

The Annual Christmas Routine

Teaching children simple chores before they reach school age—such as washing dishes, sweeping the floor, hanging and folding clothes, and tidying up toys—makes it much easier to assign them full responsibility for a task once they are older.

One of my children’s favorite activities is decorating the Christmas tree. We keep all our Christmas decorations in a single box, and every year at the beginning of December, we pull it out and let them decide how to decorate the tree and place other holiday items around the house. Even if the two younger ones, due to their height, can only hang ornaments within their reach, neither Mr. Z nor I interfere.

In the process of training independence, once a task is handed over to the children, we let them complete it to the best of their ability. As long as it’s clear they’ve put in the effort, adults should refrain from stepping in or imposing their own standards.

My two youngest, now aged nine and eight, have recently taken full ownership of emptying the dishwasher. This became their exclusive responsibility once we realized they could put away most of the dishes independently. At first, without their older sister giving orders, they would occasionally argue about who should do what, and the task would drag on for as long as fifteen minutes.

But now they’ve evolved: when I ask them to help, they chant in unison, each calling out what part they’ll handle, and within five minutes, the task is done quickly and efficiently.

There’s only a 16-month age gap between my second and third child, but their abilities to get things done differ greatly. As the older brother, my second child is clearly less agile compared to his competent Virgo younger sister. He’s also less responsive when called upon, which led to a period where only his sister and much older sibling were frequently assigned chores.

When I eventually realized how unfair this was, I forced myself to mentally create a “roster,” rotating the chores so that all three kids had a chance to learn. Although asking my son to do tasks initially caused him frustration—and me some pain—it was because he didn’t have the natural ability to assess situations and handle things on his own, like his younger sister.

My younger daughter is the second Virgo girl I’ve observed, and they seem to be born with a built-in "chore gene." When tasked with something, they rarely need instructions. Amazingly, they just get it done, and they do it well.

So when I asked my second child to handle chores, I mistakenly thought the same formula would work. To my surprise, not only did he have no idea how to start, but his efficiency was extremely low. Every time I assigned him a new chore, I had to teach him step by step. For example, with sweeping, I had to explain that while he’s busy sweeping one side, the dustpan should be placed on the other side to avoid obstruction. After finishing one side, he needed to move the chairs to sweep the other side effectively.

Luckily, my second child is a quick learner. After teaching him the logic of sweeping once or twice, he was able to apply it to all sweeping tasks. However, when I first assigned him the task of hanging clothes to dry, I had to walk him through each step one by one, just as I did before.

In the journey of parenting, to eventually enjoy a state of calm—where you can sit back with your feet up and sip tea—the key is to start early by teaching children every skill they need while they’re still young. However, during the process, it's equally important to allow them space to learn from their mistakes without constant intervention.

Simply put, no one likes being micromanaged while they work. That’s why my approach to teaching kids household tasks follows this SOP:

1. Before starting, I teach them how to do the task once.

2. While they’re doing it, I resist the urge to nag or interfere, unless a major mistake occurs—like breaking something while washing dishes. In such cases, it's an opportunity to help them understand what went wrong and how to avoid the mistake in the future.

3. Once they finish, I point out areas that need improvement. If necessary, I ask them to redo or complete the task properly before considering it done.

4. Finally, it’s essential to give them encouragement, praise, or gratitude!

When children truly learn to complete tasks independently, the accumulated abilities they gain form the ultimate goal of independence.

In the final part, I’ll continue sharing how independence takes on a whole new level as children step into their teenage years.